I Hate This Collar Bell

Is This Thing On?

2012-01-19T11:11:00.003-05:00

Can you hear me?

Damn!! It's been nearly 3 years since I typed some shit out on this blog! 3 years!!??!!? Can that be? I guess it can, because it seems that it is., or something like that.

You would think 3 years would give me an awful lot to write about...Um...Yeah, about that. I'm pretty much still the same fly cat you always knew, yo!

I hang. I eat. I poop. I puke. I meow. You know,

all the fly shit that cats do, I do too.

What I have NOT been doing is sharing my shit with you, and that needs to S.T.O.P. right about now.

I am BACK babies, and better than ever.

Here's a pic of me freaking out the Fat, Bearded, Idiot.

peace out, homies...And I promise to stay in touch!!

I'm A Cat, Get Me Outta Here!!!

2009-06-04T12:06:00.002-04:00

How's THAT for a pop culture reference, huh ? Pretty damn sweet.

Just thought I'd drop a line, let you folks know just what the F-U-C-K is goin' on in the World O Fenwick... In a word...Not a fucking thing! Same old shit.

Wake up.

Badger the Fat,Bearded Idiot to FEED ME!!!!!!!

Eat.

Poop.

Nap.

Repeat portions of routine as necessary.

But I have been thinking about switching things up lately. Maybe get back into my pottery. I gots the free time, right ? Why not crank out some vases and shit ?

Or maybe I'll go in a new direction....Papier Mache...That would be sweet. I have been thinking a lot about tennis lately, maybe some Papier Mache sculptures of some of the greats of tennis? I like where I'm going with this.

Excuse me, I got some newspaper to rip up.

'sup, Y'all ?

2009-04-27T09:58:00.002-04:00

Wow, it has been awhile, hasn't it ? Makes me think of that Staind song...They were a happy bunch, weren't they ?

How you beyotches doing ? I'm five by five, you know ? Same ole, same ole.

You know what, that's not really true. I gots me a problem.

There is another fucking cat hanging around my yard. Can you BELIEVE that shit ? Who does that little bitch think she is ? She's just lucky that I am not an outdoor cat, or she would be hating life right about now.

I'm at a loss here. You know what she did yesterday ? I found her sitting right outside the back door ! What the hell is that, huh ? That is a blatant disrespect of my space,and she is soooo lucky that I can't get out of this house.

I bet she's wandering around out there right now...Peeing on stuff in MY YARD!! I know I can't get out there, but still...That's my stuff! No one should pee on those bushes, but me!!

I am terribly vexed !!!

I Didn't Even Get A SNIFF of That Motherfucking Turkey!!!!

2008-12-05T10:35:00.001-05:00

Can you BELIEVE that shit ?

Not a scrap, not a lick.

What the fuck, man ?

I am speechless. Flabbergasted. Can one be "flabbergasted" ? I think one can, because this one certainly is.

I'm definitely peeing on something now.

Oh, The Indignity....

2008-09-30T00:00:00.000-04:00

I realized that I never made good on my promise of pictures of "the shaving" aftermath.
well, here's one. I stole it off the Nice Lady's computer.
This picture is of me when I couldn't really use my back legs...I guess she found that pretty funny, so she snapped a picture of it. Hilarious!! I'll show her...I will have my revenge...You mark my words...

I Think It's Happening Again...

2008-09-29T12:43:00.003-04:00

The apartment is starting to fill up with empty boxes.
And I think that probably means we are moving again.
At least I hope it's "we". You never know. I've heard those horror stories of people leaving their beloved pets behind...And I certainly would not put it past that Fat Bearded Idiot to leave me here. And if they do leave me here, you can bet your ass I ain't valiantly trekking across the country to find them. No damn way! I'll find someone else here to take care of me. I can be damn cute and furry if I need to be.
I don't know for sure that we are moving, and if we are, I don't know where to. they did move a couple of boxes the other day, so it could be like that one move in L.A. ,where we just moved across town.
Man, I hope that's it. I do NOT want top deal with another days long trek across this fine country of ours. i just don't think I could take it. Locked in a car with that Fat,Bearded, Idiot singing off-key to anything and everything on the radio. Criminy.
Shit, now all this thinking and worrying has made me tired. Ima have me a nap. I'll do some digging later and get back to you.

Un-Fucking-Believable!

2008-07-31T09:34:00.002-04:00

WAIT until you here this bullshit that's going on with me now.

Not to be indelicate, but I was having a bit of an "issue" with my bodily functions...How should I put this...I was pooping pudding ? Does that work for you ? No ? A little too graphic, well it's out there now, so let's just move on, shall we ?
Anyhoo, I was having some diarrhea, and Tuesday night, I kinda decided to shit on the living room carpet. I'm not sure why I did this, maybe I thought it would be funny ? I really don't know. BUT, the Fat,Bearded Idiot apparently HEARD me do this(I heard him say that is sounded like I was trying to get ketchup out of an almost empty squeeze bottle), and came out, chased me around the living room, and locked me in the god-damned KITCHEN!! Can you imagine that ? ME, the F to the E to the N to the W to the I to the C to the K, locked in the mother fucking KITCHEN!?!?!? Well, that shit happened.

So, I decided that i would show him, and I took a few more shits on the floor of the kitchen.

Bad move on my part. This, apparently, made them both CONCERNED about me, and the Nice Lady did the unthinkable- SHE CALLED THE VET!!!!

Then, I was stuffed in a box, and dropped off at that sadists' office. They poked at me, so I hissed at them, so they doped me up. I don't remember much after that.

But get this, I woke up, and they had SHAVED me !!!! Can you believe that shit ? I still have my "mane" as they call it, and they left my tail and my legs- but I feel so NAKED !!

But guess what ? That's not the worst of it. Right now, I cannot stand up. My motherfucking back legs are not working at all.Well, that's not true. i can move them, I just can't stand up on them. It's weird.

I have been listening to the conversations, and this is what I have pieced together. I have bad hairballs(no, not hairy balls, wiseassses- hairballs-in my stomach), and they have caused gastritis. So, they shaved me top prevent the hairballs. I have to take all this medication, and my legs are screwy because of the sedation. I should have my legs back by the end of the day.

Can you say shitty week ?

DAMN !!!!!

P.S.- I'll have pictures later.

Ribbons !!! Ribbons !!!!

2008-06-18T09:56:00.003-04:00

Have i ever told you that I LOVE ribbons ? well, i fucking DO !! I fucking ADORE ribbons !!! I like chasing them around, wrestling with them.
But you want to know what I like best ?
Eating them !!
I do !!
I fucking LOVE devouring the fucking things !!
So I was in HEAVEN on Saturday when the Fat Bearded Idiot, the Nice lady and the Things came back from food shopping with...BALLOONS !!!!
You know what balloons have tied to them don't you ?(Well, the very BEST balloons do anyway) that's right- RIBBONS !!!! Glorious pink ribbons.
It took all my willpower to not rush them when they entered the house. But I needed to be calm. To bide my time. the ribbons would be mine...All mine.
I kept a close eye on them while the Things bounced all over the house with the...But then, it was dinner time, and they all sat at the table. The balloons were left in the middle of the room. This was my chance. i slunk over to them, and I started to nibble. Precious ribbon.
Then, I heard a scream! the Nice Lady saw me !! Then the Fat, Bearded Idiot flew across the room and swatted me on my precious heiney !! I bolted, taking the balloon with me, but he followed, and wrestled the balloon(and the precious ribbon) away from me.
I knew I had missed my chance. I heard the Nice Lady going on about how the ribbons make me sick and blah blah puking on the carpet blah blah blah.
And now, the balloons and the precious ribbon are hidden from me. Sure, I get the occasional nibble here and there, but it's just a tease.
I guess I'll just have to wait until the next gift season.

Food

2008-05-05T12:57:00.002-04:00

Would it kill that Fat, Bearded Idiot to make me a waffle every once in awhile ?

I really like me some waffles.

I Didn't Think They Could....

2008-04-15T15:45:00.001-04:00

But Burger King managed to make that fucking Burger King even CREEPIER.

have you seen the new commercials ?
He's a futuristic robot now.

(shudder)

March Freaking Madness !!!

2008-03-25T08:58:00.002-04:00

God-Damned Bracketology !!

You know, before this Tournament started, I thought I had a PHD in Bracketology...Shit, I ain't even cracked a textbook, apparently.

Who the fuck is Davidson, for the love of Mike ? And what is up with my man O.J. Mayo and USC ? First round and done ? Are you fucking kidding me ?My brackets are all shot to hell.

And where, exactly, am I supposed to come up with eleven thousand dollars ?

I'm a cat, for God's sake. Who the fuck even let's a cat bet eleven thousand dollars ?

That Fat, Bearded Idiot is NOT going to be happy with me.

It's Raining Today...

2008-03-04T13:42:00.002-05:00

The rain always makes me sad...Oh wait, no, it's the fact that my BALLS were removed 13 years ago...THAT'S what always makes me sad. Rain doesn't really affect me at all. I don't go out anyway, so what does rain do to me ?
I do wish I could turn on the stereo, though. I would dig some Sam Cooke right now. you know, a little "Bring It on Home To Me", or "A Change Is Gonna Come " ? That would be sweeet. That's right, I spelled sweeet with THREE "E's" !! Try and stop me, bitches !!!
Or how about "Wonderful World" ? "don't know much about history..." Alas, it is not to be, as I cannot reach the stereo to crank up the tunes. And that Fat,Bearded Idiot won't buy me a damned iPod, so what the fuck is a cat supposed to do, huh ?
I'm gonna go pee in something valuable.

Something's Definitely Up Now...

2008-02-14T13:13:00.003-05:00

They have started feeding me Fancy Feast...I don't trust it. That Fat,Bearded Idiot is up to something.

I mean, I like the Fancy Feast, and it sure tatse betterthan that hot ass IAMS they were feeding me...But the IAMS was in an AUTOFEEDER !!! I could eat whenever I wanted !!! Sure, it tasted like Hot Ass, but I could eat it all the fucking time !!!

Now, I am at that fucker's mercy ! I think they are trying to get me to lose weight. That sadist in the white coat they sent me to, I think he's involved too. I overheard hiim saying something to the Fat,Bearded Idiot about obesity but with "good musculature"...I think he meant me. If he had not mentioned the good musculature, I might have guessed he was talking about the Fat, bearded Idiot, but there at no musculature in that Jabba The hut clone. No fucking way, man.

For now, I'll enjoy the Fancy Feast when I can get it, but I am not taking my eyes off of them for a second!!

Where's That Damned "Open Window" I Have Heard So Much About ?

2008-01-22T12:42:00.000-05:00

Isn't that what they say ? "God never closes a door without opening a window." ? Well, I see the god-damned closed door, but I ain't seen no open window !

That's right, They closed the door. You know which door...The door to the god-damned bedroom !! Aargh !!! That fat, hairy son of a bitch !!!

Now I have to sleep in the living room like some kind of dog or something. How humiliating ! I think it might be because of that time I was going to kill him. That Fat, Bearded Idiot has been different towards me ever since. I don't like it...It makes me uneasy. Just look at what happened to that skinny little bastard Arlo. Exiled. So they say. How do I know they didn't feed him to me ? I wouldn't put it past that Fat, Bearded Idiot.

You know what i would really like right now ?

To sleep on the god-damned bed !! Haven't you been paying attention ? Try and keep up, will you ? What am I, meowing to myself ?

The good news is, that fat,Bearded Idiot watched the Bourne Ultimatum over the weekend, and I took notes. I'll have him killed before the month is over. mark my words.

I Almost Had Him...

2007-07-02T11:29:00.000-04:00

I was almost free.

This morning, I climbed up on the bed, and I was just about positioned to smother that Fat, Bearded Idiot, when he rolled over !! I quickly laid down on the ladies pillow, but she knocked me onto the floor.
I had to regroup, and by the time I was ready again, they were both awake !! I felt like Snidely Whiplash-"Curses! Foiled again!!"

Son-of-a-BITCH !!!!!

The Master Plan

2007-06-29T10:19:00.000-04:00

One of these days it will work.

What will work, you ask ?

My plan to trip and kill that Fat, Bearded,Idiot. I realize now that I missed my greatest opportunity. Autumn of 2005- that was the time. the apartment was in disarray. He was not sleeping more than a few hours at a time. that was my best chance. I should have used those "things'" arrival to my advantage, but I didn't. I dropped the ball, so to speak. And I am tortured by my lack of action. I was thrown off of my game by those screeching creatures.

But my time will come again...I will have my victory.

Strangely enough, the exit of my greatest ally may help me succeed in the end. Ever since Arlo split, they have been leaving the bedroom door open at night. I might be able to suffocate that bastard in his sleep. They also have stopped leaving on a light in the living room, so if I can get him to wander out in the middle of the night, I could slip underneath his feet, and WHAM !!! Down he'd go, like a sack of potatoes. Now, I just need to formulate my contingency plan in the event that the fall doesn't kill him.

But I will have my day, my friends, just you wait and see.

Summertiiiime....

2007-06-22T09:56:00.000-04:00

And the licking is easy...

That's right, it is now officially summertime. Though it has been ballsac melting hot and humid here since, oh I don't know, the BEGINNING OF TIME ?!?!?!?!?

Cheese and rice, why did we move to this damn place ? Like it's not bad enough that I'm big boned AND hairy, now we had to move to Satan's ballsac.

I am actually less inspired to move than usual, and even I didn't think that was possible.

This is one of the few times I can appreciate that Fat, Bearded Idiot, that son of a bitch knows how to crank some air conditioning.

Speaking of the song "Summertime", I can never decide whether I like the Sam Cooke version or the Janis Joplin version better. Can I like them equally ? I suppose I can.

What the Fuck Is He DOING Here ?

2007-06-19T13:23:00.000-04:00

That Fat, Bearded Idiot is HOME today.

Why ? This place is supposed to be MINE from 7:15 a.m. until sometime around 4 p.m., Monday through Friday. that fat fuck is supposed to be gone, the nice lady is supposed to be gone, and they take those 2 creatures with them !!

They all left this morning, just like they're supposed to. THEN, he came BACK! I was just getting ready to get down to some bidness, and I hear the key in the lock. what the fuck ? I had to lay down in the middle of the floor and pretend to be asleep.

I figured that he had forgotten something, but no, he stayed here until damn near 2 motherfuckin' 45 !!

Ruined damn near my whole day !!

Laying his fat, lazy ass on MY couch. watching some damn movie about a fucking invisible six foot rabbit.

I didn't get any of my shit done. I didn't continue my work on the leg of the couch. I didn't get to chase any imaginary shit around the house. I am waaay fucking behind now. I'm gonna sleep at the foot of the bed tonight and trip him, that stupid Fat Bearded Idiot. teach him to ruin my fucking day.

I....

2007-05-03T13:34:00.001-04:00

loves me some J. Geils Band !!!

Love stinks...Yeah, yeah !!!

Damn Straight....

2007-03-20T11:49:00.000-04:00

Your results:
You are Venom

Venom		100%
Apocalypse		100%
Poison Ivy		100%
Dark Phoenix		99%
Magneto		88%
Mystique		84%
Catwoman		77%
The Joker		70%
Dr. Doom		70%
Juggernaut		68%
Two-Face		68%
Lex Luthor		60%
Mr. Freeze		56%
Kingpin		54%
Green Goblin		52%
Riddler		42%

Strength, disguise and adrenaline are your greatest weapons.

Click here to take the "Which Super Villain am I?" quiz...

Privacy or Unfair Imposition ?

2007-03-05T10:02:00.000-05:00

So, that Nice Lady put the cover back on the litter box yesterday. I gotta be honest with you, I am not sure how I feel about this.
On the one paw, I certainly appreciate the privacy. Not the same as a door with a lock on it, but it's better than squatting out in the wide open, that's for sure.
But, on the other paw, the claustrophobia!! Jesus, it is not a big space in there- and the smell ain't no picnic either.Plus, I have always been a bit of an edge hanger, and the cover definitely takes that out of the repertoire. Sure, I can stick my head out the door a bit, but it's not the same as lining all four paws up on the rim of the litterbox, and dropping the kittens off at the beach, if you know what I mean.
So as you can see, I am certainly torn. I do not know what to do. I think I will hold off a day or two before I shit on the floor again.

'Sup ?

2007-02-21T08:48:00.000-05:00

So, it has been a little while. What the fuck do you want from me ? I got napping to do.

Not much to report, really. I just got a new water dish. It's stainless steel, and I think it's pretty damn fresh.

You what I love ? Having my own damn litter box. Ever since that gangly orange bastard left, I have had my own toilet, and man, is that sweet.

What else to tell you ? oh, get this...So the "things" are all walking now , and the Fat, Bearded Idiot and the Nice Lady have "expanded" their pen, so now there is a fence at the entrance to the kitchen. Hello ? My food and water are in there ! My litter box is in the laundry room off the kitchen. I can't climb over a damned fence. And sometimes they leave in the morning, and the FORGET to open the gate. I'm separated from everything I love. WTF?

I'm pissed now,I'm gonna go pee in a shoe.

I'm out.

"The Descent" Is Fucking Creeeeeepy !!

2007-01-16T11:07:00.000-05:00

SPOILER ALERT- Plot points to the spelunking horror movie "The Descent" will be revealed below-You have been warned.

Allow me to set the scene: Saturday night, approximately 8:00 p.m., living room of MY apartment. Fat, Bearded Idiot and Nice Lady on the couch, THINGS nestled in their cages. Yours truly, splayed on the floor, stealthily watching the television(they are not aware that I actually watch it) which has a rerun of Scrubs on(I love that TiVO), a perfectly peaceful Saturday night...Until...They put on a fucking movie a fucking craaaaazy, spooky, creeepy fucking movie. "The Descent". Have you seen this thing ? Jesus to tha Christ, it scared the shit outta me.
Why the fuck would anyone want to go spelunking, anyway ?

This shit was crazy. They go into some cave that ain't on no map, they get attacked by creepy cave dwelling creatures, they get all eaten and shit It's madness, man. Why would anyone watch this thing on purpose ? That Fat Bearded Idiot has a screw or two loose, my friend. Just like the main character in the movie. Did you see it ? Maybe you can answer this question- Do you think that maybe there were no cave creatures ? That she went crazy and killed everyone ? She certainly was crazy at the end of it. And I got to thinking, what if the attacks by the cave people didn't make her crazy, what if she went crazy, and then she attacked her friends ? Think about it.
Did I just blow your mind a little bit ?

Happy New Year....

2007-01-02T13:50:00.000-05:00

Barely.
I just spent 10 days in that hellhole they call the "vet's office". That's right, the Fat, Bearded Idiot, the Nice lady, and those 2 Things locked me up for ten god-damned days !! I didn't get a trial or anything! She just up and throws me in the cage and it's off to the vet.

I think they all went somewhere, as just before my "removal" I saw piles of clothes and luggage about. I should have seen it coming, and tried to hide, but I didn't. Damn catnip, as that old ad said,"It will do NOTHING to you, too."

Back to my time in the "hole". I tell you, it was the first time I really missed my old pal Arlo. He was always such a pain in the ass to the guards. I just don't have the guts for it. I just fall in line, like some sort of pussy- Hah! "Some sort of pussy"...I crack myself up.

Anyways, I caught a fucking cold while I was there !! How's that for a fucking Hannukah present ? Thank you very much.

Now I can't stop fucking sneezing, AND I'm being given this fucking medicine that tastes like cat barf(and not the GOOD kind of cat barf), but they put it on WET food. I have not had wet food in God knows how long. Damn my lack of willpower!! But at least it only taints the taste of about half the serving, so that's not so bad.

Well, they finally picked me up last Saturday. I must say, I missed those people. Even the 2 Things. I have decided to let them come a little bit closer to me, and I have even let them touch me a few times. As long as they don't move too fast, it doesn't seem so bad. I guess we'll wait and see.
A Happy New Year to Y'all.

Fenwick

Superman Returns

2006-12-13T13:06:00.000-05:00

The Fat, Bearded Idiot watched this over the weekend, so I watched it too. It seemed kinda like a remake of the first two Superman movies(with no hint of Superman III- Hello ? It was only the best of the bunch. Richard Pryor ? Fugheddaboutit.) but also kind of not. But it did seem like the main actor guy was doing an impression of Christopher Reeve as Clark Kent. And to whomever it was that played Jimmy Olson(I have no time to watch credits, and you can shove your IMDB up yer ass, thank you.), all I have to say to you is...You are NO Marc McClure. And speaking of Superman:The Movie(1978), I had no idea that the story was written by Mario Puzo(of Godfather fame) and he also cowrote the screeenplay.

But theat is neither here nor there. What i wanted to write about was, perhaps one of the greatest moments in cinema history(right up there with Rambo shooting the dog in "First Blood") is in Superman Returns, when Lex Luthor returns to the old lady's house and they see one of the Pomeranian dogs that the old lady had, and they say "Weren't there two of those ?" and then they cut back to the dog, and he's surrounded by fur and bones- He had eaten the other fuckin' dog !!!
Priceless.

It's Mine...All Mine !!!

2006-12-11T12:34:00.000-05:00

As you may have noticed....It's a brand new day at "I Hate This Collar Bell"...A thank you to Luna at LunaStone Designs for the fantastic new template. Finally, a chance for the Fen to shine...Man, was that orange fucker pushy...But the tiger is a bit of an homage to my old pal...Who is doing well, I'll have you know...His plans for world domination are still on schedule, he just doesn't have to waste his time figuring out how to torture the Fat, Bearded, Idiot anymore...That task is now MINE....

Coming Soon!!

2006-11-15T15:39:00.000-05:00

That's right, it's all Fenwick, all the time !!! It will be ALL about the F to the E to the N to the W to the I to the C to the K !!!

Fuck that orange bitch !! Can't handle some sticky hands. Dumbass.

More food for me !!

Just be a little patient. I have fat, furry little paws. It takes me awhile to type.Shit, I started writing this on Halloween !! Damn !!

Sweet Freedom !!!!!

2006-10-30T13:30:00.000-05:00

Arlo: I am OUTTA THERE, Bitches !!!! That's right !! My internment by that Fat, Bearded Idiot has come to a glorious end !!! I am FREE !!!!!! I am now living with a grad student...A SINGLE grad student !! No children !!! No OTHER CATS(sorry, Fenwick, old pal, but I am a loner at heart)NO one to infringe on my time !! I am the CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE once again, and all is right with the world. Halle-fucking-lujiah !!!

You wanna know how I pulled it off ? I finally took a swing at one of the "things". Well, I didn't actually take a swing, the Lady stopped me, but I was ready to nail that baby, and the Lady knew it...And then it was time for me to go !! KICK-ASS !!! Those little things were SUCH flat tires, man !!! They ruined everything !!! Well, they can all have each other. They can kiss my pink, puckered asshole !!

Alas, that also means that my time as a blogger has come to an end. No internet access at the new pad, plus, I must admit, now that I will be a cat free of the Fat, Bearded, Idiot and his progeny, receiving the love and attention I TRULY deserve, with no beasts(human or otherwise) to hone in on my attention, the internets will be the furthest thing from my mind.

Peace out to all you bitches. Thanks for listening, and I leave you with Fenwick. He shall regale you with tales of licking his sadly empty ballsac, I'm sure.

That White Son-Of-A-Bitch Is Back !!!

2006-10-19T14:47:00.000-04:00

Arlo:That motherfucker !! Just who the fuck does he think he is, taking cover from the rain under the awning of MY porch?
He had better thank the kitty gods every night that someone invented screens, because otherwise, his lily white fur would be running red, right about now, if you know what I mean.

Fenwick: What, you'd throw fruit punch on him ?

Arlo: Oh, har dee har har, you fat idiot. No, I would be opening his kitty veins, and his fur would be turning a bright crimson!!

Fenwick: We really need to cut down on the amount of cat on cat crime.

Arlo: Yeah, that's all well and good, but he's keeping himself dry under MY awning !! Don't you get it ?

Fenwick: Get what ? He's stuck in the rain, and he's trying to stay dry.

Arlo: You poor, naive bastard. He's dissing us, can't you see ? He's a "free cat", we're "domesticated"..Don't you get it. He's calling us lesser felines, that four legged son-of-a-bitch !!

Fenwick: You been in the catnip ? He's trying to stay dry...You don't think he would change spots with us ?

Arlo: YOU do ? You think he wants to live with the Fat, Bearded Idiot and those THINGS ? I think not, my friend.

Fenwick: Okay, whatever you say there, pal. I'm gonna go back inside that horrible place and get some more free food.

Arlo: Yeah, you do that. I'm gonna keep my eye on this bastard here.

Fenwick: Okay. I feel safer already.

Whoa !!

2006-09-28T12:25:00.000-04:00

Arlo:
Have you ever thought about claws ? Hee, "claws" it's a funny word, huh ? But that wasn't my point...Oooh, string !!...Wait, what was I saying again ?

Fenwick: Claws....

Arlo: Right, right...Claws...Have you ever thought about them ?

Fenwick: Huh ?

Arlo: Have you ever REALLY thought about claws ?

Fenwick: Yeah, so ?

Arlo: No, I mean REALLY,REALLY thought about them ?

Fenwick: OH...Then, no I haven't. Why ?

Arlo: You should man, you really should. There is some wild shit going on with these things, my man. Some WIIIILD shit.

Fenwick: Like what ?

Arlo: Like what ? Like...Well...Hey, was that a bug ? Son of a bitch !! I hate bugs...Especially flying ones...Oh, man I just wanna...What were we talking about again?

Fenwick: Dude, I don't know... Will you just shut up ? I'm trying to watch the wall here.

Arlo: you and that wall. That wall don't mean shit. It's all about...Now what was I saying ? Shiiit, that wall is kinda cool, man....

Catnip...It will do NOTHING to you,too.

It's Raining Food !!!!

2006-09-22T12:58:00.000-04:00

Hallelujah, It's raining food !!!

There is finally one positive aspect to those "things" that the Nice Lady and the Fat,Bearded Idiot brought into our lives:
They are complete and utter SLOBS when they eat. It's a fucking GOLDMINE !!!!]
Mind you, it in no way makes up for the screeching and the drooling and the touching, but it's still pretty sweet, I'll tell you what.
I get to eat Cheerio's and cheese and bananas. Even some oatmeal sometimes. Cha-fucking-ching !!!
I cannot WAIT until they get to eat cookies !!!!
- Fenwick

Fuck You....

2006-09-18T14:24:00.000-04:00

That's it...I don't have anything profound to add...No particular reason to say it....It's just something I needed to say...Hey, you Fat, Bearded Idiot ! Yeah, you !! You hippie dipshit !! Guess what ?
Fuck you, that's what.
Son of a bitch. Sometimes that just feels good to say, you know ?
Amen.

Pssst...Wanna Know Why I Shit On The Floor Just Outside The Litter Box ?

2006-09-08T14:56:00.000-04:00

Fenwick: Well, do you ? You really want to know ? Here's why ? Because I CAN !!If that Fat, Bearded Idiot and The Nice Lady can bring those little THINGS into the house to steal my thunder, then I can shit on the floor !!
Those THINGS , by the way ? They have begun to move on their own !!! Before, the fat, Bearded Idiot or the Nice Lady would thrust them at us, and that was bad enough, but now they can CHASE us on all fours !! Kee-RIST !!! And they are always drooly and touchy...Ick !!!
Anyway, back to my point- I shit on the floor because I wanna, and because I CAN.
HARUMPH !!!

That Fucking Cat Is SO LUCKY That There's A Screen Between Us...

2006-09-07T11:00:00.000-04:00

Arlo:That dirty rotten, son of a bitch. Hanging out in the bushes outside my porch...MY MUTHA-FUCKIN' PORCH !!! Who the fuck does that cat think he his ? That snow white son of a bitch!!! Prolly named Fluffy or something...Who the FUCK does he think he is ???!?!?!?!?!?! He is SO MUTHA-FUCKIN' LUCKY that there is a screen here, or he would be a bloody mess right now !! I would tear that fucker two or three new assholes to lick, I'll tell you what!!

Fenwick: is there a reason you are delivering this tirade from under a chair?

Arlo: Cuz it makes me look cool and mysterious.

Fenwick : Really? it's not because that "mutha fucka" of a white cat just hissed at you through that screen that he is so fortunate is there to contain you ?

Arlo: Shut up.

You MUST Be Fucking Kidding Me !!

2006-08-23T13:10:00.000-04:00

That fat, bearded idiot has finally lost his fucking mind...He bought a fucking DOG DOOR !!!! What a bloody dipshit !!!
I don't know if I told you, but one of the few bright spots in this SWAMP that they dragged us to is that we have a screened in porch. It's fan-fucking-tastic !!
Well, I guess the Fat,Bearded Idiot has gotten tired of opening the sliding glass door for us, as he went out on Saturday and bought one of those doggy doors for us to use.
Uh-uh, pal. I am a FUCKING CAT, you bloated idiot !!! I am not using any fucking dog door. We will handle this as it has always been handled. I will cry and whine at the door until you let me out, and then 40 seconds later, i will meow and bitch until you let me in...40 seconds later, we do it all again. And so on...And so on...
That is how it has been done. That is how it IS done. That is how it will ALWAYS be done.
A dog door. Fucking priceless.

I Miss The Radiators....

2006-08-08T12:10:00.000-04:00

No, not the band that sang "Like Dreamers Do", but I do LOVE me that song...No, I miss the actual radiators in the apartment in Chicago. It's bad enough that the Fat, Bearded Idiot and the Nice Lady brought those little "things" into our lives(what with the crying and the grabbing, and they can MOVE now, they can come after us...With those wide eys and the drool, their wet hands reaching....shudder)...But they moved us to a place with NO RADIATORS !!! What the fuck am I supposed to put my head under ? There's no room under the diswasher or dryer. This is pissing me off. I'm gonna go shred some magazines.- Arlo

BLACKOUT !!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-08-01T14:22:00.000-04:00

Holy SHIT !!!

I need you people to know, that the only reason I am writing this is because I promised it in a fit of stupidity, and I am a cat of my word... I have no reason to want to relive those horrendous few days...But I gave my word, so...I will now tell you the story of what happened shortly after we were sprung from the the prison camp by the Nice Lady.

As I told you, the Fat, Bearded Idiot was still alive when we returned home, but I was still glad to be home. A few days later, however, things took another negative turn for Fenwick and yours truly. We stayed at home this time, but we were flung back into the Stone Ages !!

We were left in the apartment for 5 days with NO POWER !!!!! I mean, WHAT THE FUCK ?!???!?!?
I don't know what the fuck happened, but one day, the place stayed dark. The water in the kickass new water dish CEASED to CIRCULATE !!! Hello ? You cannot expect me to drink from a stagnant cesspool after having dipped my tongue in a babbling brook...Are you daft ?!?!?!?

Abnd here's the best part....The Fat, Bearded Idiot took the Nice Lady and the two Things and LEFT !!!! We were abandoned !!! I mean, sure, they both stopped by to check on us and pet us and refresh the stagnant water and refill the food dish...And, thankfully, there was no direct Sun, so the place stayed cool...But where was my constant attention ? I have needs !! Whom was I to annoy with my incessant meowing ? Fenwick ? It doesn't bother him at all. You know how empty it feels to walk around the apartment and meow for hours on end and know that it is bothering no one ? I'll tell you: REALLY FUCKING EMPTY !!!

There were some guys outside digging up the yard, but they barely looked my way, I was barely annoying them at all !! Man, did it suck.

Luckily, it never got real hot inside, so we were comfortable, but we were lonely. Why, I even started missing the Fat, Bearded Idiot, fer Christ's sake !! Imagine that, ME missing that bloated sack of hair. What is this world coming too ?

it reached a point hwere we were both fairly sure that we would never see electric light again, and WORSE, that we might never again drink from that magical fountain.
We were just about ready to begin to think about maybe planning to get out of there at some point when the lights kicked on and HALLELUJAH, the water dish started runnig again !! God be praised !!! The babbling brook is back !! And now the Fat, Bearded Idiot and the Nice Lady are back !! Oh, they brought the Things with them...Oh well, at least I have someone to annoy now.

Meow...Meow..meow...meow...meow..meow...heh...heh...heh....

Prison Camp...THEN It Gets Worse !!

2006-06-26T10:37:00.000-04:00

Arlo: So, now I think the water dish might have been a setup...An attempt at lulling us into a stupor and then, BAM !! We are in the paddy wagon on our way to the prison camp...Those fuckers !! I bet they didn't put the flesh blobs in prison(oh, and by the way, THEY have started to move, and they TOUCHED me...ICK !! I tried to slash one of them, but the Fat,Bearded Idiot nearly blew a gasket, so I ran away instead.)...

Back to the wagon, the Nice Lady was our escort to the Camp, but I think she did it under duress from that Fat, Bearded Idiot...She likes us too much to do that to us. HE, on the other hand, is a regular Nurse Ratched(sp?) But she dropped us off at the Prison Camp/Clinic...

I never saw so many smocks in my whole life...They were al acting sooooper nice, oohing and aahing over us. Fenwick, that fat fuck, he was eating it up. He couldn't see that this was all going to end badly...Very badly...I tried to warn him, but he just munched away at the "food" they gave us...Idiot.

I wasn't gonna fall for that, though...I remember that the last time I had an extended stay at one of these places, I left with my nuts in a fucking JAR !!! Not this time, oh no, they weren't getting me this time...

I didn't sleep the whole time we were there...Oh sure, they thought I was asleep, but I never actually was, I was alert the WHOLE time..Watching...Waiting...Through the flea treatment(which I KNOW is in my best interest, Hell, it makes me feel better, but I just CANNOT submit to it willingly- I got some scratches in, but I avoided making a break for it{I TOTALLY could have} because they didn't have that Fat, Furry Fuck out there with me, and I can't leave a man behind, even THAT candyass)...I had finally planned our perfect escape when I heard the Nice Lady's voice beyond the walls...

I couldn't believe it...She had come back to get us !! Does that mean my wish had come true ? Was the Fat Bearded Idiot dead ? Dare I dream ? Maybe he had been eaten by a rabid mongoose, or perhaps he had fallen form a tall, tall building...Oh, it didn't matter...The fact that the Nice Lady was here to rescue us almost CERTAINLY meant that he was dead !!

I put up a token fight when they came to fetch me from the cage, but I could not wait to get in that paddy wagon...We were going home !!!

We're HOME !!! Oh, there he is...The Fat Bearded Idiot is still alive...Great...Aw, hell, at least we are HOME !!!Everything's coming up roses !!

or so we thought...Wait until you hear what happens NEXT !!

This Water Dish Is Fucking Awesome !!!

2006-05-11T15:24:00.000-04:00

Holy Shit !!! That Fat, Bearded Idiot got something right !!!! This new water dish he bought is fucking awesome !!! Man, if only I could operate that digital camera, you would see this maginificent specimen of a water delivery system !!! Man, it is sweet !! The water circulates for constant freshness, and is automatically cooled !! Dude !!! This is water-iffic !!! Plus, it's a major pain in the ass for him to clean !! So, i can keep sticking my paw in the water and dirtying it, and yhen the Fat,Bearded Idiot has to clean the fuckin' thing !!! Life is good, mon freres, life is good !!

Four Paws...Four answers

2006-03-14T04:16:00.000-05:00

That Fat, Bearded, Idiot has tagged me, but I can be a good sport, here goes:

Four Jobs I've Had:
1. Unwanted Alarm Clock
2. Living Room Obstacle Course Obstacle
3. Bug Hunter
4. Slugabed

Four Movies I can Watch Over And Over
1. The Cat From Outer Space
2. Garfield
3.Apocalypse Now
4. 8 1/2

Four Places I've Been On Vacation
1. Milan
2. Under the Sofa
3. The Linen Closet
4. New Zealand

Four Websites I Visit Daily
1. Shiny Things.com
2. Fox News .com
3. The Tuna Report
4. The Onion

Four Of My Favorite Foods
1. Cat Food
2. Bugs
3.Whatever The Fat, Bearded Idiot leaves unguarded
4. Lizard

Four Places I'd Rather Be:
1. Over There RIGHT NOW !!!!!
2. Asleep
3. On a Lap
4. Outside !!!!

Four Bloggers I'm Tagging:
1. Snowball 2
2. Bucky
3. Fluffy
4. Mr. Whiskers

Peace Out- Arlo

Where The FUCK Are We ?

2006-01-01T08:55:00.000-05:00

What in the name of all that's holy has happened ? We knew something was up...all those god-damned boxes and shit...And sure enough, one day some guys came and took EVERYTHING-while we were locked in our mini prisons...Then it was into the car...back out of the car...back into the car...back out of the car...what the fuck ? Where are we ? I mean, we're not completely unhappy...It IS warmer here, the place is bigger...There's some sort of prison yard off of the living room...But it's the principle of the thing...There was no discussion, no warning, just BOOM, and we're somewhere else...Fucking Fat, Bearded Idiot...You'll get yours, you hippie fuck...

What Classic Movie Am I ?

2005-12-07T00:46:00.000-05:00

Fenwick: " Chicago...Shit...I'm still only in Chicago..."

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

What Classic Movie Am I ?

2005-12-07T00:12:00.000-05:00

Arlo: What can I say ? The Quiz Don't lie, my friend..."Bonasera...Bonasera...What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully ?"

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Those Things Are Still Here....

2005-12-05T09:03:00.000-05:00

Arlo: Hello, everyone...Long time no type, huh ? It has not been easy to get to the computer lately, and I have had a lot to process. Well, A helluva lot has gone on, and I am NOT happy about it, to say the fucking LEAST !!! There are new "things" living in my house...This is not good...I thought they would be temporary, but they seem to be more entrenched each day...They seem to be mini versions of the Fat,Bearded Idiot and The Nice Lady, and all they seem to do is divert attention away from us...This is not cool, my friends....Not cool at all...They smell funny, they make A LOT of god-damned noise, and they divert attention away from us(have I mentioned that already ? Well, I think it bears repeating)..Shit man, laps are practically non-existent anymore...The Fat Bearded Idiot and the Nice Lady are ALWAYS awake, I mean, when are we supposed to be fucking CATS, my man ? And there have been all these guests, and I was like "score- some attention for the felines!" But no, they are here to see the things as well , and I get in trouble if I try to share some space. What's a fucking cat to do, man ?And I have even been trying to embrace the change, but that doesn't work either, whenever one of the mini things starts to make it's noises, I start to meow, to let everyone know, you dig ? Do they appreciate that ? Fuck no, the don't !! They just tell me to shut the fuck up !! The fucking NERVE !!!!! And on top of all that, there is SOMETHING ELSE going on as well...There are BOXES everywhere...They have even blocked up my cat tower, where the fuck do they get off ? I mean, I'm gonna have to do something crude soon like shit in a shoe or something, I swear to GOD !! I feel like this box thing has happened before, but damned if I can place it...Shit, someone's bawling again, I had better run and alert the Fat, Bearded Idiot...Sorry I have been away so long, I promise to be more prolific...I have got some issues, and someone needs to hear about them, I'll tell you what.

I Never Knock Things Over...

2005-08-28T17:15:00.000-04:00

Fenwick: No, I don't. I don't see the point. Such wanton destruction, it's very undignified.
Arlo: Really ? Is that the reason ? I thought it was because you can't drag your gargantuan ass onto anything higher than a chair.
Fenwick: Very funny...I COULD climb higher, I CHOOSE not to, that's all.
Arlo: Riiiiiiight....Whatever...
Fenwick: Fine, don't believe me. See if I care, you hooligan.
Arlo: Yeah ? Well at least I don't have a shaved ass !!
Fenwick: You fucker !! You promised not to mention it !!
Arlo: Gotta go !!!

TO BE CONTINUED...

"I Like Knocking Shit Over"

2005-08-27T00:18:00.000-04:00

Arlo: There, I have said it...I like knocking shit over...I thoroughly enjoy it...It makes my freakin' day !!! It doesn't matter what it is...Though I must admit, I particularly like knocking over things that shatter...Ooooh, man, that is sweet, like Christmas and New Year's all rolled up in one package...What's that ? What's the best thing I have ever knocked over ? That's easy...The lava lamp...Man, that was sweet...And you know what ? I did that one on the Fat, Bearded Idiot's birthday !!! That was awesome !! He and the Lady and their friends went to the baseball game to see his precious fucking New York Mets play the Dodgers, and I took advantage of the freedom to take out that lava lamp !! The floor was covered in oil and water and wax...Man, it was priceless !! Happy Birthday, you jackass !! Man, that was awhile ago, five years or so, I think.. I don't know that I have broken anything of value(either monetary or sentimental) since then...Hmm, I should get busy...Anyone have any ideas ?

Where have we been ?

2005-08-03T18:37:00.000-04:00

Arlo: None of your god-damned business, that's where !! The nerve of some people, like I'm some circus performer, here for your enjoyment !! Bite my empty ball sac, that's what I have to say !!
Fenwick: Now, Arlo, that is really not necessary. People are just curious, that's all.
Arlo: You are such a kiss ass !! You know that they are not gonna feed you, right ?
Fenwick: They might...If we tell them a good story.
Arlo: Good grief, you are an idiot. I would call you a blockhead, but i think if we use both of those phrases together we would owe some money to the estate of Charles Schultz- and I don't wanna give any money to the estate of that cat-hating bastard !! I'll tear up that fucking dog house...Just let me at that fucking beagle.
Fenwick: Arlo, the vulgar language just makes you seem uneducated.
Arlo: Uneducated ? I am uneducated you fat bastard !! I was found in a god-damned dumpster !! Do you think I fell in there looking for my diploma from Yale or my Nobel Prize in Physics ? Well, I wasn't !! So, I will be as vulgar as I want, you sphincterhead !!
Fenwick: Oooh, that's a new one. I like that one. Very classy.
Arlo: Shut up and clean your ass. How do you do that, by the way ? Oh, right, you LICK IT !!
Fenwick: Touche.
Arlo: Thank you. Now, to answer the standing question. we have been planning and strategizing. Something is up with the Fat, Bearded Idiot and the Nice Lady...I haven't figured out what it is yet, but when I do, there will be retaliation- swift and painful retaliation !!

Fenwick: Do you think he's planning to kill her again ?

Arlo: Shut up.

A New Wakeup Method...

2005-07-09T22:18:00.000-04:00

Arlo: Okay, I found a new way to wake up the Fat, Bearded, Idiot...And it is a doozy...IIt's dangerous,but COMPLETELY worth it !! Before you attempt this, make sure you have a GOOD hiding place...I mean,like spider hole good...Then, wait for the male to fall asleep(this one is pretty much for the males, it won't work quite the same on a female)...I call it...THE BALL STOMP...I waited for the Fat, Bearded, Idiot to doze off on the couch, then I climbed up on top of the couch...and CANNONBAAAAAALLLLL....Dropped right onto the family jewels, then bounced onto the floor and took off...Man, it was sweeeet...I have never heard the sounds that jackass made before...I thoroughly enjoyed it...But I was pretty lucky that he didn't find me...So feel free to use it, my friends...but be careful...And have your escape route well thought out and practiced.

She's Back....

2005-06-24T21:22:00.000-04:00

Fenwick: Arlo, who is that sitting on the couch ?
Arlo: Shut up.
Fenwick: What's that ? I didn't hear you. She looks familiar though.
Arlo: Just shut up already. Fine, I guess he didn't kill her...but he's still up to something. I know it. I can feel it in my tail. There's something baaad in that closet...And it's all his fault. I don't trust him. I still think I'll kill him in his sleep.

"The Case Of The Fat,Bearded Idiot..."

2005-06-22T01:11:00.000-04:00

Arlo: He's gonna crack soon. Then, we'll find out where he hid the body.
Fenwick: He didn't kill her. He's been talking to her on the phone, you idiot.
Arlo: How do you know ? That could have been Comcast that called. I wasn't listening in, were you ?
Fenwick: Well, no but...
Arlo: But NOTHING !!! He killed her, and one more night of stepping on his head and eerily staring at him will do him in. You can see it in his eyes. He knows that we know...And it's tearing him apart.
Fenwick: What if he kills us ?
Arlo: Huh ?
Fenwick: Well, if he knows that we know, what if he decides to kill us ? Wouldn't that take care of it ?
Arlo: Holy shit. You maybe right. Let me think...
Fenwick: It's a predicament, that's for sure.
Arlo: I've got it !!
Fenwick: What ?
Arlo: Let's kill him.
Fenwick: What ?
Arlo: Tonight, in his sleep. We'll sit on his head. Smother him.It'll be easy.
Fenwick: Dude, you are nuts.
Arlo: No, it's the only way. We'll avenge her death, AND save ourselves.
Fenwick: Then who'll feed us ?
Arlo: After he's dead, we'll turn on the stereo real loud, someone will call the cops, and we'll be saved.
Fenwick: You know, it's kinda crazy, but it just might work...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Where Is She ?

2005-06-20T15:09:00.000-04:00

Arlo: Dude, this is not cool. Where is she ?
Fenwick: Now, calm down, Arlo.I'm sure everything's fine.
Arlo: Everything's fine ? Everything's fine ? She's GONE, MAN !!!!!! We have been stuck with that Fat,Bearded, Idiot for what feels like forever.
Fenwick: He does make time slow down, doesn't he ?
Arlo: Criminy, every second is like an hour, and NOT in a good way. I think he killed her.
Fenwick: What ? Are you nuts ?
Arlo: What else could have happened ?
Fenwick: Maybe she dumped his ugly ass.
Arlo: But then wouldn't she take us ?
Fenwick: Maybe she's trying to punish him.
Arlo: No, he killed her. I've never trusted him. That's why I never let him sleep.
Fenwick: You're crazy, man. He didn't kill her. He's too big a wuss. He's scared of spiders for christ's sake.
Arlo: well, you're scared of the vacuum cleaner.
Fenwick: Hey, that fuckin' thing is SCARY !! Plus, you're scared of it too, you dick.
Arlo: Shut up. Anyway, what do you think he did with the body ?
Fenwick: He didn't do anything with it.
Arlo: You're right, he's a lazy one. She's probably in the closet. Yeah !! That's why he never wants us in the closet !!
Fenwick: She never wants us in the closet either.
Arlo: Right. But I still think she might be in the closet. I have an idea...Let's just sit and stare at him with our "dead eyes" look, and maybe he'll slip up and show us where he's hiding the body.
Fenwick: Or at the very least, maybe he'll feed us a bit earlier.
Arlo: Jesus, is that all you think about ? We've got Ted Bundy in here, and you want him to feed us ?
Fenwick: Nah, he's no Ted Bundy, Ted Bundy was charming and attractive...He's more John Wayne Gacy or Henry Lee Lucas with a dash of Manson(the hair anyway).
Arlo: Fine. Whoever ! Anyway, we need to get to bottom of this. This ain't over. We were paying attention while his unemployed ass was watching all those "Murder, She Wrote" episodes. We learned a thing or two about amateur sleuthing. We will uncover the truth in the case of "The Fat, Bearded Idiot"

To Be Continued...

The Sky Is Falling !!!!!!!!

2005-05-11T20:49:00.000-04:00

What the hell was that ? It sounded like a bowling ball being dropped on another bowling ball...is it the Rapture ? Is our time at hand ?...I wonder how big the automatic feeder in heaven is...man, it must be BIG...or what if I'm going to h-e- double hockey sticks ? I bet there's no automatic feeder down there...or it's full of dog food or something...and I bet no one down there ever leaves cookies unattended like the Fat, Bearded Idiot does...Oh crap...I better run around the house at top speeds...then I'll try and stop on the rug in front of that delicate vase...That didn't wake anyone up...I'll start meowing...meow...meow..meow...meow...anyone...anyone...Bueller
...Bueller...meow...meow

Hairballs 101

2005-04-30T21:43:00.000-04:00

Fenwick: Good evening all, and welcome to Hairballs 101: Or All You've Ever Wanted To Know About Hairballs, But Were Afraid to Ask...I am your instructor, Timothy J. Fenwick, but you can all just call me Fenwick...and I am here to tell you all about hairballs...Duh, that's the name of the class...(brilliant, Fenwick,brilliant...next you can inform them that birds go tweet)...Okay, sorry about that little aside there, I have a rather vociferous inner detractor...Let's move on...Let me start by telling you why I feel uniquely qualified on the subject..I am a freakin' hairyass cat, my friends...My mother, I like to call her Babs, was a show Himalayan who apparently escaped her owners and had some alley sex with some less than show quality cats...And me and my sister and brother were the dirty little secrets...we were quickly whisked away to Adopt-A-Pet in Los Angeles, where we were all quickly adopted, me by the Fat, Bearded Idiot and the Nice Lady...But, I digress... Suffice it to say, I have got the Himalayan hair, and man, does it create some hairballs !!! And Hairballs are the subject for tonight. I will ask that you hold your questions until the end. Let's get started.
What is a hairball ? I know, it sounds like a dumb question...And it IS !!! Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha !!! Sorry about that, I like to start off with that little joke. But seriously, A hairball is a mass of hair that forms in the stomach as a result of our grooming process, and it must be expelled through vomit. I hope you have al already eaten, heh-heh. Now, there are two types of hairballs...Sympathy is one...Now, if you are going for a sympathy hairball, it is all about the performance....The size, shape, consistency is not as important...just about any hairball will do...Obviously, step one is to make sure that someone is home... Second, you have to pick a spot, I am a big fan of the carpets, there is less splash, and of course, it is harder to clean up...But I know some cats prefer a hard surface, you might get a bit of a splash, and sometimes that is what you want, it really comes down to personal choice...Then, it's all about the retching...You want to work up a good head of steam...Start with several subtle, long coughs...Then you add some quick coughs...You may have to alternate between the two until you are sure that someone has heard you...Once they hear you, you want to be ready to blow at any moment, because , especially if you have picked the carpet, they will try and move to a different surface...Either way, you want to try and avoid launching the hairball onto them(at least for the sympathy hairball), because the sympathy can quickly turn to rage...Now, once you have unloaded the hairball, it is best to try and look shocked and dismayed by this turn of events, and running away can be a good adlib, but you of course will let them catch you and lavish affection and sympathy upon you, and, if you happen to stick to just the hairball(no actual vomit or excess bile), you might just get at treat out of it as well.
Hairball number two is the Angry or Revenge Hairball, this is the hairball of choice for most cats, and it happens to be my favorite...The object of said hairball is obviously, revenge...So the method is different...The key to the Revenge Hairball is surprise...These are best deposited when no one is home, or when they are asleep...Ideally, they will step in the hairball, that is why when they are asleep is the best bet, but it can cut down on the quality of the hairball itself, as you must be quiet during production...If you are doing the sleep version, then you want to leave it between the bedroom and the bathroom, as that is the usual late night path walked blindly...Ideally a walk made in barefeet, for the true revenge effect...If you are a noisier hairballer, then you are probably best to do your business when the humans are out of your house...The best place to leave these hairballs is somewhere that will be very hard, or at least very inconvenient to clean...In a shoe....On the bed...On a chair, a couch, the bed...Or if there is someplace they are likely to walk into without turning on the lights...It's really a bit of a smorgasboard of choices for you...You really just have to follow your heart....And as for the consistency of the revenge hairball, it is probably best to add as much bile as you can, and keep the hairball as "soft" as possible...Okay, I think that ends the lesson...Any questions ?

Sweet Merciful Crap...turn that hippie shit OFF !!

2005-04-18T14:31:00.000-04:00

Arlo: Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick...how many hours in a row can someone LISTEN to the Black Crowes ? "My angels, my devils, a thorn in my priiiiide..." Whatever, dude...and that stupid grin that the Fat,Bearded Idiot gets...good lord...and he'll stare at his toes and talk about how "Groovy toes are, man...they are sweeet !! And Arlo, man you and Fenwick are extra lucky, man, cuz you got,like twenty toes each !!" and then the laughing will start...let's just all hope and pray that he keeps his pants on this time, huh ? We don't need Mrs. Hanrahan from next door having another coronary...but I will say this much...If he starts to feed me granola again, I am slitting his throat while he sleeps...you with me Fenwick ?
Fenwick: "Bad luck blue eeeyeees, gooooooodbyeeeeeee..."
Arlo: FENWICK !!!!!
Fenwick: Huh? What ? What's the matter? You are harshing my buzz, man...
Arlo: What the hell are you talki...you got catnip there ? Let me see it.
Fenwick: Fine man, just don't bogart it..and "stop kickin' my heart around"...hee-hee-hee
Arlo: Aaaaaahhhhh...man that is nice...oh is this "Sister Luck" ? I love this song. "Worried sick, my eyes are burnin', to rest my head I'll take a life..."...Wow, toes ARE pretty cool...

Those Birds And Squirrels Are Pussies !!!

2005-04-13T18:09:00.000-04:00

Arlo: Man, if they had any balls at all they wouldn't let this screen keep us apart...they would come right in here and face me like real animals...but they'll never do it...know why ? They're pussies...that's why. And I think you know that I am not using pussy as a euphemism for cat...they are just scared of the power that is Arlo...they know to face me is to lose...so they sit out there..on the OTHER side of the screen,chattering away, acting all tough...they ain't tough...they ain't nuthin'...
Fenwick: Well, why don't you just use those razor sharp "Daggers Of Death" on the end of your paws to cut through the screen and teach them a lesson ?
Arlo: Why don't you get some more poop stuck to your asshair, you fat bastard ?
Fenwick: That was uncalled for...
Arlo: Oh, shut up...god damned birds and squirrels are pussies...

S.O.S.

2005-04-10T15:32:00.000-04:00

Someone has stolen my automatic feeder. At first I blamed the Fat, Bearded Idiot. But when I asked the the big-assed woman for help, she looked the other way. Turns out it is a conspiracy!!! They apparently think I'm obese but really I'm just big boned. I've tried chewing on some plastic to get them to reconsider but to no avail. I know that some might say that I lack self-discipline but self-discipline is for suckers. And by the way Arlo, you've been no help at all on this front. So won't someone come please restore my automatic feeder, pretty please! Fenwick

Meow

2005-04-10T03:59:00.000-04:00

Meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...
are they both awake yet ? No ? Meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...
how about now ? No ? Damnit, I'm starting to annoy myself...meow..meow...meow..meow..meow...ahhh, there we go, they both
threw something at me...all is right with the world...

Oh How I Love The Automatic Feeder

2005-04-05T14:33:00.000-04:00

Fenwick: The human who invented the automatic cat feeder deserves a shrine of some sort...what a glorious individual...i adore my automatic feeder...there is nothing better than eating at 7 a.m., taking a nap, eating at 7:45, another nap, perhaps a little staring out the window, eat again at 8:15...man it is sweet...this is clearly how cats were meant to live...In only need to rely on humans to fill it every once in awhile,instead of relying them for daily sustenance...perhaps I should build a shrine to the inventor of the automatic feeder...I'm sure I could find out who it is with a little internet sleuthing...I used to watch "Murder, She Wrote" every morning with the Fat, Bearded Idiot, so amateur sleuthing is right up my alley...and once I find out who he or she is, I could commence collecting materials for the shrine...I could use string, crumpled up paper...but I enjoy playing with those things so darn much, I would never get the shrine finished...but what could I use ?...I know...I could build it out of dust bunnies !! My unique fur creates dust bunnies of alarming size with an amazing quickness and frequency...I am truly excited...I'm gonna get started right n...oh, I gotta go get a snack...

2005-04-03T11:31:00.000-04:00

We could kill you while you sleep...

Damnit !!! Why Can't A Cat Get 22 Hours Of Sleep Around Here ?!?!?!?!?!

2005-04-03T04:15:00.000-04:00

Arlo: I gotta say, I have had just about enough...why is it so frickin' hard to get 22 hours of sleep around here ? Is that soooooooooooo much to ask ? If it's not the phone ringing,or some random semi-loud noise that i must react vilently too, it's that Fat, Bearded Idiot playing that tree-hugging hippie crap Grateful Dead shit...flowers and skulls and weed...good lord, doesn't he ever get tired of listening to that incessant noodling ?....I mean, if I don't get my 22 hours of sleep, it's all I can do to get in my aerobic excercise and vocal training at 4 a.m....i don't need this crap...can't these people just be QUIET when I am trying to sleep ? Aren't they capable of deciphering my looks of disdain ?...and what's with petting me while I'm asleep ? How frickin' rude is that ?( Sorry for all the use of frickin', but lately they have been waking me up with viewings of that fine show "Scrubs" and that one doctor says "frick" alll the time. I guess it has crept into my everyday usage)...but back to my outrage...22 hours...is it really that much to ask ? I don't ask for that much else, do I ? Some food, water, the occassional lap to sit in...just PUHLEEEEEEZE let me get my 22 hours of sleep !!!!

A Couple We Forgot(Or Waking Up Humans Is F-U-N- ! Part Deux!!)

2005-03-24T10:45:00.000-05:00

Arlo: Can you believe we forgot to mention the "roost "?
Fenwick: Oh, you mean when we just sit on them ? And somehow our weight increases exponentially, especially if we hit the Lady's bladder ?
Arlo: Duh, you know that's what I meant. Also, I used a new one last night- I licked the Fat, Bearded Idiot's hand-it was awesome, it totally wigged him out !!
Fenwick: I also like the "creep" where I just walk up and down them rather clumsily.
Arlo: That one is your best move, you have the weight for it.
Fenwick: Thank you, I'll take that as a compliment.
Arlo: As well you should. Are we forgetting anything else ?
Fenwick: I don't think so, but I'm sure we'll come up with more.

Hey, any cats out there with some fresh new wake-up ideas ? Let us hear 'em !!

Waking Up Humans Is F-U-N!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-03-23T17:44:00.000-05:00

Arlo: Damn staright it is. Man, I don't think there is anything I enjoy more.
Fenwick: Well, I don't know...I...
Arlo: Cut the shit, man. The only reason you don't do it more is because I'm faster and more efficient at it than you.
Fenwick: Yeah, you're probably right. The Fat, Bearded Idiot is kinda mean about it sometimes.
Arlo: Yeah, but it's soooooooo totally worth it...when that vein in his fat forehead throbs, and he mutters and tries to think up new curse words to call us ? Man, that is PRICELESS !!!
Fenwick: It is kinda funny, I guess.
Arlo: Shit yeah, it is. And there are so many ways to do it. I think my favorite is stepping on his balls-serves him right for still having them-but you can't go wrong with the pointless meowing, or the running madly around the house, or even breaking something somewhere in the house-that's one of the best, because then they have to clean it up.
Fenwick: Yeah, that's why really noisily throwing up is good too, they not only wake up, but then they have to clean up puke. High five on that.
Arlo: Yeah, totally up top on the puking. Plus then they have to try and act concerned as well.It is such an awesome enterprise, waking up the humans.
Fenwick: It is. You have convinced me. What should we do tonight ?
Arlo: Here take a look at these plans I drew up this morning...

Hey, that was my spot . . .

2005-03-22T16:26:00.000-05:00

I claimed the couch first. But then Arlo came to sit with me. I was kind enough to share my stomach as a pillow. I even gave him a few licks behind the ears. But it wasn't enough for him, he wanted it all. Sigh. So I headed off to the backroom and made myself cozy in the big comfy chair. But then I was rudely awakened by a big fat ass. Isin't she supposed to be gone during the day? Urghhhh. So now I am forced to lie in wait on the rug, hoping I can reclaim my throne. Fenwick.

I Like Sticking My Head Under The Radiator...

2005-03-21T13:23:00.000-05:00

Arlo: There, I have said it. I like sticking my head under the radiator. Why ? Because it's warm, stupid, why else ? Jeez, some people. So, I like sticking my head under the radiator...big wup...the Fat, Bearded Idiot always stares at me like I'm nuts, well, who the hell is he ? He watches sock puppets on TV and laughs uproariously..I'll take the radiator, thank you...can I get a nap now ? Thanks.

That Old Bastard String

2005-03-17T19:19:00.000-05:00

Fenwick: String...what is it about us and string ? Tell you what, pal...if I knew that, I would probably be a rich cat...that, I assure you, I am not...string is hypnotic, mesmerizing, it puts us almost immediately under it's spell...it's bewitching and haunting...I don't WANT to like it, i mean, sometimes I'll be minding my very own cat business, dozing, and that fat, bearded idiot will hit me in the head with a piece of string...do I want to ignore it ? Of course. Do I want to go on sleeping ? Damn skippy ! Can I do those things ? Certainly not...my pupils expand, my paws start to vibrate back and forth...and I start swatting at the string...at first, I can't believe I'm doing it again, but then it just takes over, and I am going bananas over this string...flailing around...swinging wildly, rearing up on two legs, trying to BITE the string...I mean, it's embarrassing, it really is, but it is out of my control...then the game is over, we go our separate ways...and I silently despise myself...until they hit me with another piece of string...

On Dogs....

2005-03-16T18:37:00.000-05:00

Fenwick: I don't care for them, evil, monosyllabic beasts. Arlo ?
Arlo: I'm with you, pal. I mean, what's with all the trying to please the humans ? I mean, the cute lady that takes care of us is okay, but I'd rather get re-nuetered than make that fat, bearded idiot happy...
Fenwick: Arlo, don't say that,what if he reads this ?
Arlo: You think he can read ? ha !
Fenwick: Hee-Hee. Yeah, right. Anyhoo. Dogs...I think my first question to them would be: "What's all the hubub, bub ?" I mean, they freak out about everything !! How about a little restraint, pals ?
Arlo: Damn, right, man. Calm down a bit, pooches. They'll feed you anyway, you don't HAVE to lick their feet.
Fenwick: Arlo, do you think you try and cut down on the swears ? It's rather undignified.
Arlo: Oh yeah, and licking your balls in the living room is REEAAL dignified, my furry friend.
Fenwick: Touche.
Arlo: Dogs...you know they only hate us because we're smarter than they are.
Fenwick: Oh, totally...though they do somehow get the humans to take them outside...
Arlo: So ? big deal...who wants to go outside anyway ? Outside is stupid and crappy...
Fenwick: Yeah, yeah...it sure is...oh shit !!! I have to be in the bedroom NOW !!!!!!!!!!
Arlo: ME TOO !!!!!!!!!

Meow,maaaaaaan....

2005-03-15T18:50:00.000-05:00

Arlo: What's that smell ? It seems to be coming from this little ruglike thing on the floor...man that smells sweet...what is that ? I better claw at it a bit...mmmm....that seems to strengthen the aroma....what's happening in my head? Things are getting weird...I really want to lick this thing...I wonder if that fat, bearded idiot will get pissed...oh, man...i don't care...I gotta lick this thing...(slurp,slurp)...oh,man that's goooooooooooood....what If i just lie down and rub on this thing?....OH...OH YEAH....that's the stuff...oh, man this almost makes me forget I don't have balls anymore...ooooooooohhhh yeeeeaaahhhh....what is this ? Man, it is some good shit, whatever it is...and apparently we're ALLOWED to have it...oh, man I'm hungry....what's that Fenwick ? You say it's "catnip"...well, consider this cat nipped, man... I am never getting off this mat man...oh wait, i need to eat...I'll be back, though, man, you can count on it... catnip...allright...allright...allright...

Why Do We Hate These Collar Bells ?

2005-03-13T00:10:00.000-05:00

How could we not ? It's an early warning system, fer christ's sake !! I mean, if we were allowed outside, this would totally narc us out to the prey, man...as George Carlin so elegantly stated once "Fuckin' meow, man !!" The collar bell is demeaning, and must be abolished !! It will not stand !! We will take the fight all the way to...oh, we need a nap. Later...