Hairballs 101

Fenwick: Good evening all, and welcome to Hairballs 101: Or All You've Ever Wanted To Know About Hairballs, But Were Afraid to Ask...I am your instructor, Timothy J. Fenwick, but you can all just call me Fenwick...and I am here to tell you all about hairballs...Duh, that's the name of the class...(brilliant, Fenwick,brilliant...next you can inform them that birds go tweet)...Okay, sorry about that little aside there, I have a rather vociferous inner detractor...Let's move on...Let me start by telling you why I feel uniquely qualified on the subject..I am a freakin' hairyass cat, my friends...My mother, I like to call her Babs, was a show Himalayan who apparently escaped her owners and had some alley sex with some less than show quality cats...And me and my sister and brother were the dirty little secrets...we were quickly whisked away to Adopt-A-Pet in Los Angeles, where we were all quickly adopted, me by the Fat, Bearded Idiot and the Nice Lady...But, I digress... Suffice it to say, I have got the Himalayan hair, and man, does it create some hairballs !!! And Hairballs are the subject for tonight. I will ask that you hold your questions until the end. Let's get started.
What is a hairball ? I know, it sounds like a dumb question...And it IS !!! Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha !!! Sorry about that, I like to start off with that little joke. But seriously, A hairball is a mass of hair that forms in the stomach as a result of our grooming process, and it must be expelled through vomit. I hope you have al already eaten, heh-heh. Now, there are two types of hairballs...Sympathy is one...Now, if you are going for a sympathy hairball, it is all about the performance....The size, shape, consistency is not as important...just about any hairball will do...Obviously, step one is to make sure that someone is home... Second, you have to pick a spot, I am a big fan of the carpets, there is less splash, and of course, it is harder to clean up...But I know some cats prefer a hard surface, you might get a bit of a splash, and sometimes that is what you want, it really comes down to personal choice...Then, it's all about the retching...You want to work up a good head of steam...Start with several subtle, long coughs...Then you add some quick coughs...You may have to alternate between the two until you are sure that someone has heard you...Once they hear you, you want to be ready to blow at any moment, because , especially if you have picked the carpet, they will try and move to a different surface...Either way, you want to try and avoid launching the hairball onto them(at least for the sympathy hairball), because the sympathy can quickly turn to rage...Now, once you have unloaded the hairball, it is best to try and look shocked and dismayed by this turn of events, and running away can be a good adlib, but you of course will let them catch you and lavish affection and sympathy upon you, and, if you happen to stick to just the hairball(no actual vomit or excess bile), you might just get at treat out of it as well.
Hairball number two is the Angry or Revenge Hairball, this is the hairball of choice for most cats, and it happens to be my favorite...The object of said hairball is obviously, revenge...So the method is different...The key to the Revenge Hairball is surprise...These are best deposited when no one is home, or when they are asleep...Ideally, they will step in the hairball, that is why when they are asleep is the best bet, but it can cut down on the quality of the hairball itself, as you must be quiet during production...If you are doing the sleep version, then you want to leave it between the bedroom and the bathroom, as that is the usual late night path walked blindly...Ideally a walk made in barefeet, for the true revenge effect...If you are a noisier hairballer, then you are probably best to do your business when the humans are out of your house...The best place to leave these hairballs is somewhere that will be very hard, or at least very inconvenient to clean...In a shoe....On the bed...On a chair, a couch, the bed...Or if there is someplace they are likely to walk into without turning on the lights...It's really a bit of a smorgasboard of choices for you...You really just have to follow your heart....And as for the consistency of the revenge hairball, it is probably best to add as much bile as you can, and keep the hairball as "soft" as possible...Okay, I think that ends the lesson...Any questions ?

Sweet Merciful Crap...turn that hippie shit OFF !!

Arlo: Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick...how many hours in a row can someone LISTEN to the Black Crowes ? "My angels, my devils, a thorn in my priiiiide..." Whatever, dude...and that stupid grin that the Fat,Bearded Idiot gets...good lord...and he'll stare at his toes and talk about how "Groovy toes are, man...they are sweeet !! And Arlo, man you and Fenwick are extra lucky, man, cuz you got,like twenty toes each !!" and then the laughing will start...let's just all hope and pray that he keeps his pants on this time, huh ? We don't need Mrs. Hanrahan from next door having another coronary...but I will say this much...If he starts to feed me granola again, I am slitting his throat while he sleeps...you with me Fenwick ?
Fenwick: "Bad luck blue eeeyeees, gooooooodbyeeeeeee..."
Arlo: FENWICK !!!!!
Fenwick: Huh? What ? What's the matter? You are harshing my buzz, man...
Arlo: What the hell are you talki...you got catnip there ? Let me see it.
Fenwick: Fine man, just don't bogart it..and "stop kickin' my heart around"...hee-hee-hee
Arlo: Aaaaaahhhhh...man that is nice...oh is this "Sister Luck" ? I love this song. "Worried sick, my eyes are burnin', to rest my head I'll take a life..."...Wow, toes ARE pretty cool...

Those Birds And Squirrels Are Pussies !!!

Arlo: Man, if they had any balls at all they wouldn't let this screen keep us apart...they would come right in here and face me like real animals...but they'll never do it...know why ? They're pussies...that's why. And I think you know that I am not using pussy as a euphemism for cat...they are just scared of the power that is Arlo...they know to face me is to lose...so they sit out there..on the OTHER side of the screen,chattering away, acting all tough...they ain't tough...they ain't nuthin'...
Fenwick: Well, why don't you just use those razor sharp "Daggers Of Death" on the end of your paws to cut through the screen and teach them a lesson ?
Arlo: Why don't you get some more poop stuck to your asshair, you fat bastard ?
Fenwick: That was uncalled for...
Arlo: Oh, shut up...god damned birds and squirrels are pussies...

S.O.S.

Someone has stolen my automatic feeder. At first I blamed the Fat, Bearded Idiot. But when I asked the the big-assed woman for help, she looked the other way. Turns out it is a conspiracy!!! They apparently think I'm obese but really I'm just big boned. I've tried chewing on some plastic to get them to reconsider but to no avail. I know that some might say that I lack self-discipline but self-discipline is for suckers. And by the way Arlo, you've been no help at all on this front. So won't someone come please restore my automatic feeder, pretty please! Fenwick

Meow

Meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...
are they both awake yet ? No ? Meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...
how about now ? No ? Damnit, I'm starting to annoy myself...meow..meow...meow..meow..meow...ahhh, there we go, they both
threw something at me...all is right with the world...

Oh How I Love The Automatic Feeder

Fenwick: The human who invented the automatic cat feeder deserves a shrine of some sort...what a glorious individual...i adore my automatic feeder...there is nothing better than eating at 7 a.m., taking a nap, eating at 7:45, another nap, perhaps a little staring out the window, eat again at 8:15...man it is sweet...this is clearly how cats were meant to live...In only need to rely on humans to fill it every once in awhile,instead of relying them for daily sustenance...perhaps I should build a shrine to the inventor of the automatic feeder...I'm sure I could find out who it is with a little internet sleuthing...I used to watch "Murder, She Wrote" every morning with the Fat, Bearded Idiot, so amateur sleuthing is right up my alley...and once I find out who he or she is, I could commence collecting materials for the shrine...I could use string, crumpled up paper...but I enjoy playing with those things so darn much, I would never get the shrine finished...but what could I use ?...I know...I could build it out of dust bunnies !! My unique fur creates dust bunnies of alarming size with an amazing quickness and frequency...I am truly excited...I'm gonna get started right n...oh, I gotta go get a snack...

We could kill you while you sleep... 

Damnit !!! Why Can't A Cat Get 22 Hours Of Sleep Around Here ?!?!?!?!?!

Arlo: I gotta say, I have had just about enough...why is it so frickin' hard to get 22 hours of sleep around here ? Is that soooooooooooo much to ask ? If it's not the phone ringing,or some random semi-loud noise that i must react vilently too, it's that Fat, Bearded Idiot playing that tree-hugging hippie crap Grateful Dead shit...flowers and skulls and weed...good lord, doesn't he ever get tired of listening to that incessant noodling ?....I mean, if I don't get my 22 hours of sleep, it's all I can do to get in my aerobic excercise and vocal training at 4 a.m....i don't need this crap...can't these people just be QUIET when I am trying to sleep ? Aren't they capable of deciphering my looks of disdain ?...and what's with petting me while I'm asleep ? How frickin' rude is that ?( Sorry for all the use of frickin', but lately they have been waking me up with viewings of that fine show "Scrubs" and that one doctor says "frick" alll the time. I guess it has crept into my everyday usage)...but back to my outrage...22 hours...is it really that much to ask ? I don't ask for that much else, do I ? Some food, water, the occassional lap to sit in...just PUHLEEEEEEZE let me get my 22 hours of sleep !!!!

A Couple We Forgot(Or Waking Up Humans Is F-U-N- ! Part Deux!!)

Arlo: Can you believe we forgot to mention the "roost "?
Fenwick: Oh, you mean when we just sit on them ? And somehow our weight increases exponentially, especially if we hit the Lady's bladder ?
Arlo: Duh, you know that's what I meant. Also, I used a new one last night- I licked the Fat, Bearded Idiot's hand-it was awesome, it totally wigged him out !!
Fenwick: I also like the "creep" where I just walk up and down them rather clumsily.
Arlo: That one is your best move, you have the weight for it.
Fenwick: Thank you, I'll take that as a compliment.
Arlo: As well you should. Are we forgetting anything else ?
Fenwick: I don't think so, but I'm sure we'll come up with more.

Hey, any cats out there with some fresh new wake-up ideas ? Let us hear 'em !!

Waking Up Humans Is F-U-N!!!!!!!!!!!

Arlo: Damn staright it is. Man, I don't think there is anything I enjoy more.
Fenwick: Well, I don't know...I...
Arlo: Cut the shit, man. The only reason you don't do it more is because I'm faster and more efficient at it than you.
Fenwick: Yeah, you're probably right. The Fat, Bearded Idiot is kinda mean about it sometimes.
Arlo: Yeah, but it's soooooooo totally worth it...when that vein in his fat forehead throbs, and he mutters and tries to think up new curse words to call us ? Man, that is PRICELESS !!!
Fenwick: It is kinda funny, I guess.
Arlo: Shit yeah, it is. And there are so many ways to do it. I think my favorite is stepping on his balls-serves him right for still having them-but you can't go wrong with the pointless meowing, or the running madly around the house, or even breaking something somewhere in the house-that's one of the best, because then they have to clean it up.
Fenwick: Yeah, that's why really noisily throwing up is good too, they not only wake up, but then they have to clean up puke. High five on that.
Arlo: Yeah, totally up top on the puking. Plus then they have to try and act concerned as well.It is such an awesome enterprise, waking up the humans.
Fenwick: It is. You have convinced me. What should we do tonight ?
Arlo: Here take a look at these plans I drew up this morning...

Hey, that was my spot . . .

I claimed the couch first. But then Arlo came to sit with me. I was kind enough to share my stomach as a pillow. I even gave him a few licks behind the ears. But it wasn't enough for him, he wanted it all. Sigh. So I headed off to the backroom and made myself cozy in the big comfy chair. But then I was rudely awakened by a big fat ass. Isin't she supposed to be gone during the day? Urghhhh. So now I am forced to lie in wait on the rug, hoping I can reclaim my throne. Fenwick.

I Like Sticking My Head Under The Radiator...

Arlo: There, I have said it. I like sticking my head under the radiator. Why ? Because it's warm, stupid, why else ? Jeez, some people. So, I like sticking my head under the radiator...big wup...the Fat, Bearded Idiot always stares at me like I'm nuts, well, who the hell is he ? He watches sock puppets on TV and laughs uproariously..I'll take the radiator, thank you...can I get a nap now ? Thanks.

That Old Bastard String

Fenwick: String...what is it about us and string ? Tell you what, pal...if I knew that, I would probably be a rich cat...that, I assure you, I am not...string is hypnotic, mesmerizing, it puts us almost immediately under it's spell...it's bewitching and haunting...I don't WANT to like it, i mean, sometimes I'll be minding my very own cat business, dozing, and that fat, bearded idiot will hit me in the head with a piece of string...do I want to ignore it ? Of course. Do I want to go on sleeping ? Damn skippy ! Can I do those things ? Certainly not...my pupils expand, my paws start to vibrate back and forth...and I start swatting at the string...at first, I can't believe I'm doing it again, but then it just takes over, and I am going bananas over this string...flailing around...swinging wildly, rearing up on two legs, trying to BITE the string...I mean, it's embarrassing, it really is, but it is out of my control...then the game is over, we go our separate ways...and I silently despise myself...until they hit me with another piece of string...

On Dogs....

Fenwick: I don't care for them, evil, monosyllabic beasts. Arlo ?
Arlo: I'm with you, pal. I mean, what's with all the trying to please the humans ? I mean, the cute lady that takes care of us is okay, but I'd rather get re-nuetered than make that fat, bearded idiot happy...
Fenwick: Arlo, don't say that,what if he reads this ?
Arlo: You think he can read ? ha !
Fenwick: Hee-Hee. Yeah, right. Anyhoo. Dogs...I think my first question to them would be: "What's all the hubub, bub ?" I mean, they freak out about everything !! How about a little restraint, pals ?
Arlo: Damn, right, man. Calm down a bit, pooches. They'll feed you anyway, you don't HAVE to lick their feet.
Fenwick: Arlo, do you think you try and cut down on the swears ? It's rather undignified.
Arlo: Oh yeah, and licking your balls in the living room is REEAAL dignified, my furry friend.
Fenwick: Touche.
Arlo: Dogs...you know they only hate us because we're smarter than they are.
Fenwick: Oh, totally...though they do somehow get the humans to take them outside...
Arlo: So ? big deal...who wants to go outside anyway ? Outside is stupid and crappy...
Fenwick: Yeah, yeah...it sure is...oh shit !!! I have to be in the bedroom NOW !!!!!!!!!!
Arlo: ME TOO !!!!!!!!!

Meow,maaaaaaan....

Arlo: What's that smell ? It seems to be coming from this little ruglike thing on the floor...man that smells sweet...what is that ? I better claw at it a bit...mmmm....that seems to strengthen the aroma....what's happening in my head? Things are getting weird...I really want to lick this thing...I wonder if that fat, bearded idiot will get pissed...oh, man...i don't care...I gotta lick this thing...(slurp,slurp)...oh,man that's goooooooooooood....what If i just lie down and rub on this thing?....OH...OH YEAH....that's the stuff...oh, man this almost makes me forget I don't have balls anymore...ooooooooohhhh yeeeeaaahhhh....what is this ? Man, it is some good shit, whatever it is...and apparently we're ALLOWED to have it...oh, man I'm hungry....what's that Fenwick ? You say it's "catnip"...well, consider this cat nipped, man... I am never getting off this mat man...oh wait, i need to eat...I'll be back, though, man, you can count on it... catnip...allright...allright...allright...

Why Do We Hate These Collar Bells ?

How could we not ? It's an early warning system, fer christ's sake !! I mean, if we were allowed outside, this would totally narc us out to the prey, man...as George Carlin so elegantly stated once "Fuckin' meow, man !!" The collar bell is demeaning, and must be abolished !! It will not stand !! We will take the fight all the way to...oh, we need a nap. Later...