Thursday, June 04, 2009
I'm A Cat, Get Me Outta Here!!!
How's THAT for a pop culture reference, huh ? Pretty damn sweet.
Just thought I'd drop a line, let you folks know just what the F-U-C-K is goin' on in the World O Fenwick... In a word...Not a fucking thing! Same old shit.
Wake up.
Badger the Fat,Bearded Idiot to FEED ME!!!!!!!
Eat.
Poop.
Nap.
Repeat portions of routine as necessary.
But I have been thinking about switching things up lately. Maybe get back into my pottery. I gots the free time, right ? Why not crank out some vases and shit ?
Or maybe I'll go in a new direction....Papier Mache...That would be sweet. I have been thinking a lot about tennis lately, maybe some Papier Mache sculptures of some of the greats of tennis? I like where I'm going with this.
Excuse me, I got some newspaper to rip up.
Posted by Fenwick at 12:06 PM
...oooOOOooo...
Monday, April 27, 2009
'sup, Y'all ?
Wow, it has been awhile, hasn't it ? Makes me think of that Staind song...They were a happy bunch, weren't they ? How you beyotches doing ? I'm five by five, you know ? Same ole, same ole.
You know what, that's not really true. I gots me a problem.
There is another fucking cat hanging around my yard. Can you BELIEVE that shit ? Who does that little bitch think she is ? She's just lucky that I am not an outdoor cat, or she would be hating life right about now.
I'm at a loss here. You know what she did yesterday ? I found her sitting right outside the back door ! What the hell is that, huh ? That is a blatant disrespect of my space,and she is soooo lucky that I can't get out of this house.
I bet she's wandering around out there right now...Peeing on stuff in MY YARD!! I know I can't get out there, but still...That's my stuff! No one should pee on those bushes, but me!!
I am terribly vexed !!!
Posted by Fenwick at 9:58 AM
...oooOOOooo...
Friday, December 05, 2008
I Didn't Even Get A SNIFF of That Motherfucking Turkey!!!!
Can you BELIEVE that shit ?
Not a scrap, not a lick.
What the fuck, man ?
I am speechless. Flabbergasted. Can one be "flabbergasted" ? I think one can, because this one certainly is.
I'm definitely peeing on something now.
Posted by Fenwick at 10:35 AM
...oooOOOooo...
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Oh, The Indignity....
I realized that I never made good on my promise of pictures of "the shaving" aftermath.
well, here's one. I stole it off the Nice Lady's computer.
This picture is of me when I couldn't really use my back legs...I guess she found that pretty funny, so she snapped a picture of it. Hilarious!! I'll show her...I will have my revenge...You mark my words...
Posted by Paticus at 12:00 AM
...oooOOOooo...
Monday, September 29, 2008
I Think It's Happening Again...
The apartment is starting to fill up with empty boxes.
And I think that probably means we are moving again.
At least I hope it's "we". You never know. I've heard those horror stories of people leaving their beloved pets behind...And I certainly would not put it past that Fat Bearded Idiot to leave me here. And if they do leave me here, you can bet your ass I ain't valiantly trekking across the country to find them. No damn way! I'll find someone else here to take care of me. I can be damn cute and furry if I need to be.
I don't know for sure that we are moving, and if we are, I don't know where to. they did move a couple of boxes the other day, so it could be like that one move in L.A. ,where we just moved across town.
Man, I hope that's it. I do NOT want top deal with another days long trek across this fine country of ours. i just don't think I could take it. Locked in a car with that Fat,Bearded, Idiot singing off-key to anything and everything on the radio. Criminy.
Shit, now all this thinking and worrying has made me tired. Ima have me a nap. I'll do some digging later and get back to you.
Posted by Paticus at 12:43 PM
...oooOOOooo...
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Un-Fucking-Believable!
WAIT until you here this bullshit that's going on with me now.
Not to be indelicate, but I was having a bit of an "issue" with my bodily functions...How should I put this...I was pooping pudding ? Does that work for you ? No ? A little too graphic, well it's out there now, so let's just move on, shall we ?
Anyhoo, I was having some diarrhea, and Tuesday night, I kinda decided to shit on the living room carpet. I'm not sure why I did this, maybe I thought it would be funny ? I really don't know. BUT, the Fat,Bearded Idiot apparently HEARD me do this(I heard him say that is sounded like I was trying to get ketchup out of an almost empty squeeze bottle), and came out, chased me around the living room, and locked me in the god-damned KITCHEN!! Can you imagine that ? ME, the F to the E to the N to the W to the I to the C to the K, locked in the mother fucking KITCHEN!?!?!? Well, that shit happened.
So, I decided that i would show him, and I took a few more shits on the floor of the kitchen.
Bad move on my part. This, apparently, made them both CONCERNED about me, and the Nice Lady did the unthinkable- SHE CALLED THE VET!!!!
Then, I was stuffed in a box, and dropped off at that sadists' office. They poked at me, so I hissed at them, so they doped me up. I don't remember much after that.
But get this, I woke up, and they had SHAVED me !!!! Can you believe that shit ? I still have my "mane" as they call it, and they left my tail and my legs- but I feel so NAKED !!
But guess what ? That's not the worst of it. Right now, I cannot stand up. My motherfucking back legs are not working at all.Well, that's not true. i can move them, I just can't stand up on them. It's weird.
I have been listening to the conversations, and this is what I have pieced together. I have bad hairballs(no, not hairy balls, wiseassses- hairballs-in my stomach), and they have caused gastritis. So, they shaved me top prevent the hairballs. I have to take all this medication, and my legs are screwy because of the sedation. I should have my legs back by the end of the day.
Can you say shitty week ?
DAMN !!!!!
P.S.- I'll have pictures later.
Posted by Fenwick at 9:34 AM
...oooOOOooo...
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Ribbons !!! Ribbons !!!!
Have i ever told you that I LOVE ribbons ? well, i fucking DO !! I fucking ADORE ribbons !!! I like chasing them around, wrestling with them.
But you want to know what I like best ?
Eating them !!
I do !!
I fucking LOVE devouring the fucking things !!
So I was in HEAVEN on Saturday when the Fat Bearded Idiot, the Nice lady and the Things came back from food shopping with...BALLOONS !!!!
You know what balloons have tied to them don't you ?(Well, the very BEST balloons do anyway) that's right- RIBBONS !!!! Glorious pink ribbons.
It took all my willpower to not rush them when they entered the house. But I needed to be calm. To bide my time. the ribbons would be mine...All mine.
I kept a close eye on them while the Things bounced all over the house with the...But then, it was dinner time, and they all sat at the table. The balloons were left in the middle of the room. This was my chance. i slunk over to them, and I started to nibble. Precious ribbon.
Then, I heard a scream! the Nice Lady saw me !! Then the Fat, Bearded Idiot flew across the room and swatted me on my precious heiney !! I bolted, taking the balloon with me, but he followed, and wrestled the balloon(and the precious ribbon) away from me.
I knew I had missed my chance. I heard the Nice Lady going on about how the ribbons make me sick and blah blah puking on the carpet blah blah blah.
And now, the balloons and the precious ribbon are hidden from me. Sure, I get the occasional nibble here and there, but it's just a tease.
I guess I'll just have to wait until the next gift season.
Posted by Paticus at 9:56 AM
...oooOOOooo...
Have i ever told you that I LOVE ribbons ? well, i fucking DO !! I fucking ADORE ribbons !!! I like chasing them around, wrestling with them.