I was almost free.
This morning, I climbed up on the bed, and I was just about positioned to smother that Fat, Bearded Idiot, when he rolled over !! I quickly laid down on the ladies pillow, but she knocked me onto the floor.
I had to regroup, and by the time I was ready again, they were both awake !! I felt like Snidely Whiplash-"Curses! Foiled again!!"
Son-of-a-BITCH !!!!!
Monday, July 02, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
The Master Plan
One of these days it will work.
What will work, you ask ?
My plan to trip and kill that Fat, Bearded,Idiot. I realize now that I missed my greatest opportunity. Autumn of 2005- that was the time. the apartment was in disarray. He was not sleeping more than a few hours at a time. that was my best chance. I should have used those "things'" arrival to my advantage, but I didn't. I dropped the ball, so to speak. And I am tortured by my lack of action. I was thrown off of my game by those screeching creatures.
But my time will come again...I will have my victory.
Strangely enough, the exit of my greatest ally may help me succeed in the end. Ever since Arlo split, they have been leaving the bedroom door open at night. I might be able to suffocate that bastard in his sleep. They also have stopped leaving on a light in the living room, so if I can get him to wander out in the middle of the night, I could slip underneath his feet, and WHAM !!! Down he'd go, like a sack of potatoes. Now, I just need to formulate my contingency plan in the event that the fall doesn't kill him.
But I will have my day, my friends, just you wait and see.
What will work, you ask ?
My plan to trip and kill that Fat, Bearded,Idiot. I realize now that I missed my greatest opportunity. Autumn of 2005- that was the time. the apartment was in disarray. He was not sleeping more than a few hours at a time. that was my best chance. I should have used those "things'" arrival to my advantage, but I didn't. I dropped the ball, so to speak. And I am tortured by my lack of action. I was thrown off of my game by those screeching creatures.
But my time will come again...I will have my victory.
Strangely enough, the exit of my greatest ally may help me succeed in the end. Ever since Arlo split, they have been leaving the bedroom door open at night. I might be able to suffocate that bastard in his sleep. They also have stopped leaving on a light in the living room, so if I can get him to wander out in the middle of the night, I could slip underneath his feet, and WHAM !!! Down he'd go, like a sack of potatoes. Now, I just need to formulate my contingency plan in the event that the fall doesn't kill him.
But I will have my day, my friends, just you wait and see.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Summertiiiime....
And the licking is easy...
That's right, it is now officially summertime. Though it has been ballsac melting hot and humid here since, oh I don't know, the BEGINNING OF TIME ?!?!?!?!?
Cheese and rice, why did we move to this damn place ? Like it's not bad enough that I'm big boned AND hairy, now we had to move to Satan's ballsac.
I am actually less inspired to move than usual, and even I didn't think that was possible.
This is one of the few times I can appreciate that Fat, Bearded Idiot, that son of a bitch knows how to crank some air conditioning.
Speaking of the song "Summertime", I can never decide whether I like the Sam Cooke version or the Janis Joplin version better. Can I like them equally ? I suppose I can.
That's right, it is now officially summertime. Though it has been ballsac melting hot and humid here since, oh I don't know, the BEGINNING OF TIME ?!?!?!?!?
Cheese and rice, why did we move to this damn place ? Like it's not bad enough that I'm big boned AND hairy, now we had to move to Satan's ballsac.
I am actually less inspired to move than usual, and even I didn't think that was possible.
This is one of the few times I can appreciate that Fat, Bearded Idiot, that son of a bitch knows how to crank some air conditioning.
Speaking of the song "Summertime", I can never decide whether I like the Sam Cooke version or the Janis Joplin version better. Can I like them equally ? I suppose I can.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
What the Fuck Is He DOING Here ?
That Fat, Bearded Idiot is HOME today.
Why ? This place is supposed to be MINE from 7:15 a.m. until sometime around 4 p.m., Monday through Friday. that fat fuck is supposed to be gone, the nice lady is supposed to be gone, and they take those 2 creatures with them !!
They all left this morning, just like they're supposed to. THEN, he came BACK! I was just getting ready to get down to some bidness, and I hear the key in the lock. what the fuck ? I had to lay down in the middle of the floor and pretend to be asleep.
I figured that he had forgotten something, but no, he stayed here until damn near 2 motherfuckin' 45 !!
Ruined damn near my whole day !!
Laying his fat, lazy ass on MY couch. watching some damn movie about a fucking invisible six foot rabbit.
I didn't get any of my shit done. I didn't continue my work on the leg of the couch. I didn't get to chase any imaginary shit around the house. I am waaay fucking behind now. I'm gonna sleep at the foot of the bed tonight and trip him, that stupid Fat Bearded Idiot. teach him to ruin my fucking day.
Why ? This place is supposed to be MINE from 7:15 a.m. until sometime around 4 p.m., Monday through Friday. that fat fuck is supposed to be gone, the nice lady is supposed to be gone, and they take those 2 creatures with them !!
They all left this morning, just like they're supposed to. THEN, he came BACK! I was just getting ready to get down to some bidness, and I hear the key in the lock. what the fuck ? I had to lay down in the middle of the floor and pretend to be asleep.
I figured that he had forgotten something, but no, he stayed here until damn near 2 motherfuckin' 45 !!
Ruined damn near my whole day !!
Laying his fat, lazy ass on MY couch. watching some damn movie about a fucking invisible six foot rabbit.
I didn't get any of my shit done. I didn't continue my work on the leg of the couch. I didn't get to chase any imaginary shit around the house. I am waaay fucking behind now. I'm gonna sleep at the foot of the bed tonight and trip him, that stupid Fat Bearded Idiot. teach him to ruin my fucking day.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Damn Straight....
Your results:
You are Venom
Click here to take the "Which Super Villain am I?" quiz...
You are Venom
| Strength, disguise and adrenaline are your greatest weapons. |
Click here to take the "Which Super Villain am I?" quiz...
Monday, March 05, 2007
Privacy or Unfair Imposition ?
So, that Nice Lady put the cover back on the litter box yesterday. I gotta be honest with you, I am not sure how I feel about this.
On the one paw, I certainly appreciate the privacy. Not the same as a door with a lock on it, but it's better than squatting out in the wide open, that's for sure.
But, on the other paw, the claustrophobia!! Jesus, it is not a big space in there- and the smell ain't no picnic either.Plus, I have always been a bit of an edge hanger, and the cover definitely takes that out of the repertoire. Sure, I can stick my head out the door a bit, but it's not the same as lining all four paws up on the rim of the litterbox, and dropping the kittens off at the beach, if you know what I mean.
So as you can see, I am certainly torn. I do not know what to do. I think I will hold off a day or two before I shit on the floor again.
On the one paw, I certainly appreciate the privacy. Not the same as a door with a lock on it, but it's better than squatting out in the wide open, that's for sure.
But, on the other paw, the claustrophobia!! Jesus, it is not a big space in there- and the smell ain't no picnic either.Plus, I have always been a bit of an edge hanger, and the cover definitely takes that out of the repertoire. Sure, I can stick my head out the door a bit, but it's not the same as lining all four paws up on the rim of the litterbox, and dropping the kittens off at the beach, if you know what I mean.
So as you can see, I am certainly torn. I do not know what to do. I think I will hold off a day or two before I shit on the floor again.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
'Sup ?
So, it has been a little while. What the fuck do you want from me ? I got napping to do.
Not much to report, really. I just got a new water dish. It's stainless steel, and I think it's pretty damn fresh.
You what I love ? Having my own damn litter box. Ever since that gangly orange bastard left, I have had my own toilet, and man, is that sweet.
What else to tell you ? oh, get this...So the "things" are all walking now , and the Fat, Bearded Idiot and the Nice Lady have "expanded" their pen, so now there is a fence at the entrance to the kitchen. Hello ? My food and water are in there ! My litter box is in the laundry room off the kitchen. I can't climb over a damned fence. And sometimes they leave in the morning, and the FORGET to open the gate. I'm separated from everything I love. WTF?
I'm pissed now,I'm gonna go pee in a shoe.
I'm out.
Not much to report, really. I just got a new water dish. It's stainless steel, and I think it's pretty damn fresh.
You what I love ? Having my own damn litter box. Ever since that gangly orange bastard left, I have had my own toilet, and man, is that sweet.
What else to tell you ? oh, get this...So the "things" are all walking now , and the Fat, Bearded Idiot and the Nice Lady have "expanded" their pen, so now there is a fence at the entrance to the kitchen. Hello ? My food and water are in there ! My litter box is in the laundry room off the kitchen. I can't climb over a damned fence. And sometimes they leave in the morning, and the FORGET to open the gate. I'm separated from everything I love. WTF?
I'm pissed now,I'm gonna go pee in a shoe.
I'm out.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
"The Descent" Is Fucking Creeeeeepy !!
SPOILER ALERT- Plot points to the spelunking horror movie "The Descent" will be revealed below-You have been warned.
Allow me to set the scene: Saturday night, approximately 8:00 p.m., living room of MY apartment. Fat, Bearded Idiot and Nice Lady on the couch, THINGS nestled in their cages. Yours truly, splayed on the floor, stealthily watching the television(they are not aware that I actually watch it) which has a rerun of Scrubs on(I love that TiVO), a perfectly peaceful Saturday night...Until...They put on a fucking movie a fucking craaaaazy, spooky, creeepy fucking movie. "The Descent". Have you seen this thing ? Jesus to tha Christ, it scared the shit outta me.
Why the fuck would anyone want to go spelunking, anyway ?
This shit was crazy. They go into some cave that ain't on no map, they get attacked by creepy cave dwelling creatures, they get all eaten and shit It's madness, man. Why would anyone watch this thing on purpose ? That Fat Bearded Idiot has a screw or two loose, my friend. Just like the main character in the movie. Did you see it ? Maybe you can answer this question- Do you think that maybe there were no cave creatures ? That she went crazy and killed everyone ? She certainly was crazy at the end of it. And I got to thinking, what if the attacks by the cave people didn't make her crazy, what if she went crazy, and then she attacked her friends ? Think about it.
Did I just blow your mind a little bit ?
Allow me to set the scene: Saturday night, approximately 8:00 p.m., living room of MY apartment. Fat, Bearded Idiot and Nice Lady on the couch, THINGS nestled in their cages. Yours truly, splayed on the floor, stealthily watching the television(they are not aware that I actually watch it) which has a rerun of Scrubs on(I love that TiVO), a perfectly peaceful Saturday night...Until...They put on a fucking movie a fucking craaaaazy, spooky, creeepy fucking movie. "The Descent". Have you seen this thing ? Jesus to tha Christ, it scared the shit outta me.
Why the fuck would anyone want to go spelunking, anyway ?
This shit was crazy. They go into some cave that ain't on no map, they get attacked by creepy cave dwelling creatures, they get all eaten and shit It's madness, man. Why would anyone watch this thing on purpose ? That Fat Bearded Idiot has a screw or two loose, my friend. Just like the main character in the movie. Did you see it ? Maybe you can answer this question- Do you think that maybe there were no cave creatures ? That she went crazy and killed everyone ? She certainly was crazy at the end of it. And I got to thinking, what if the attacks by the cave people didn't make her crazy, what if she went crazy, and then she attacked her friends ? Think about it.
Did I just blow your mind a little bit ?
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Happy New Year....
Barely.
I just spent 10 days in that hellhole they call the "vet's office". That's right, the Fat, Bearded Idiot, the Nice lady, and those 2 Things locked me up for ten god-damned days !! I didn't get a trial or anything! She just up and throws me in the cage and it's off to the vet.
I think they all went somewhere, as just before my "removal" I saw piles of clothes and luggage about. I should have seen it coming, and tried to hide, but I didn't. Damn catnip, as that old ad said,"It will do NOTHING to you, too."
Back to my time in the "hole". I tell you, it was the first time I really missed my old pal Arlo. He was always such a pain in the ass to the guards. I just don't have the guts for it. I just fall in line, like some sort of pussy- Hah! "Some sort of pussy"...I crack myself up.
Anyways, I caught a fucking cold while I was there !! How's that for a fucking Hannukah present ? Thank you very much.
Now I can't stop fucking sneezing, AND I'm being given this fucking medicine that tastes like cat barf(and not the GOOD kind of cat barf), but they put it on WET food. I have not had wet food in God knows how long. Damn my lack of willpower!! But at least it only taints the taste of about half the serving, so that's not so bad.
Well, they finally picked me up last Saturday. I must say, I missed those people. Even the 2 Things. I have decided to let them come a little bit closer to me, and I have even let them touch me a few times. As long as they don't move too fast, it doesn't seem so bad. I guess we'll wait and see.
A Happy New Year to Y'all.
Fenwick
I just spent 10 days in that hellhole they call the "vet's office". That's right, the Fat, Bearded Idiot, the Nice lady, and those 2 Things locked me up for ten god-damned days !! I didn't get a trial or anything! She just up and throws me in the cage and it's off to the vet.
I think they all went somewhere, as just before my "removal" I saw piles of clothes and luggage about. I should have seen it coming, and tried to hide, but I didn't. Damn catnip, as that old ad said,"It will do NOTHING to you, too."
Back to my time in the "hole". I tell you, it was the first time I really missed my old pal Arlo. He was always such a pain in the ass to the guards. I just don't have the guts for it. I just fall in line, like some sort of pussy- Hah! "Some sort of pussy"...I crack myself up.
Anyways, I caught a fucking cold while I was there !! How's that for a fucking Hannukah present ? Thank you very much.
Now I can't stop fucking sneezing, AND I'm being given this fucking medicine that tastes like cat barf(and not the GOOD kind of cat barf), but they put it on WET food. I have not had wet food in God knows how long. Damn my lack of willpower!! But at least it only taints the taste of about half the serving, so that's not so bad.
Well, they finally picked me up last Saturday. I must say, I missed those people. Even the 2 Things. I have decided to let them come a little bit closer to me, and I have even let them touch me a few times. As long as they don't move too fast, it doesn't seem so bad. I guess we'll wait and see.
A Happy New Year to Y'all.
Fenwick
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