Hairballs 101

Fenwick: Good evening all, and welcome to Hairballs 101: Or All You've Ever Wanted To Know About Hairballs, But Were Afraid to Ask...I am your instructor, Timothy J. Fenwick, but you can all just call me Fenwick...and I am here to tell you all about hairballs...Duh, that's the name of the class...(brilliant, Fenwick,brilliant...next you can inform them that birds go tweet)...Okay, sorry about that little aside there, I have a rather vociferous inner detractor...Let's move on...Let me start by telling you why I feel uniquely qualified on the subject..I am a freakin' hairyass cat, my friends...My mother, I like to call her Babs, was a show Himalayan who apparently escaped her owners and had some alley sex with some less than show quality cats...And me and my sister and brother were the dirty little secrets...we were quickly whisked away to Adopt-A-Pet in Los Angeles, where we were all quickly adopted, me by the Fat, Bearded Idiot and the Nice Lady...But, I digress... Suffice it to say, I have got the Himalayan hair, and man, does it create some hairballs !!! And Hairballs are the subject for tonight. I will ask that you hold your questions until the end. Let's get started.
What is a hairball ? I know, it sounds like a dumb question...And it IS !!! Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha !!! Sorry about that, I like to start off with that little joke. But seriously, A hairball is a mass of hair that forms in the stomach as a result of our grooming process, and it must be expelled through vomit. I hope you have al already eaten, heh-heh. Now, there are two types of hairballs...Sympathy is one...Now, if you are going for a sympathy hairball, it is all about the performance....The size, shape, consistency is not as important...just about any hairball will do...Obviously, step one is to make sure that someone is home... Second, you have to pick a spot, I am a big fan of the carpets, there is less splash, and of course, it is harder to clean up...But I know some cats prefer a hard surface, you might get a bit of a splash, and sometimes that is what you want, it really comes down to personal choice...Then, it's all about the retching...You want to work up a good head of steam...Start with several subtle, long coughs...Then you add some quick coughs...You may have to alternate between the two until you are sure that someone has heard you...Once they hear you, you want to be ready to blow at any moment, because , especially if you have picked the carpet, they will try and move to a different surface...Either way, you want to try and avoid launching the hairball onto them(at least for the sympathy hairball), because the sympathy can quickly turn to rage...Now, once you have unloaded the hairball, it is best to try and look shocked and dismayed by this turn of events, and running away can be a good adlib, but you of course will let them catch you and lavish affection and sympathy upon you, and, if you happen to stick to just the hairball(no actual vomit or excess bile), you might just get at treat out of it as well.
Hairball number two is the Angry or Revenge Hairball, this is the hairball of choice for most cats, and it happens to be my favorite...The object of said hairball is obviously, revenge...So the method is different...The key to the Revenge Hairball is surprise...These are best deposited when no one is home, or when they are asleep...Ideally, they will step in the hairball, that is why when they are asleep is the best bet, but it can cut down on the quality of the hairball itself, as you must be quiet during production...If you are doing the sleep version, then you want to leave it between the bedroom and the bathroom, as that is the usual late night path walked blindly...Ideally a walk made in barefeet, for the true revenge effect...If you are a noisier hairballer, then you are probably best to do your business when the humans are out of your house...The best place to leave these hairballs is somewhere that will be very hard, or at least very inconvenient to clean...In a shoe....On the bed...On a chair, a couch, the bed...Or if there is someplace they are likely to walk into without turning on the lights...It's really a bit of a smorgasboard of choices for you...You really just have to follow your heart....And as for the consistency of the revenge hairball, it is probably best to add as much bile as you can, and keep the hairball as "soft" as possible...Okay, I think that ends the lesson...Any questions ?