I Didn't Even Get A SNIFF of That Motherfucking Turkey!!!!

Can you BELIEVE that shit ?

Not a scrap, not a lick.

What the fuck, man ?

I am speechless. Flabbergasted. Can one be "flabbergasted" ? I think one can, because this one certainly is.

I'm definitely peeing on something now.

Oh, The Indignity....

I realized that I never made good on my promise of pictures of "the shaving" aftermath.
well, here's one. I stole it off the Nice Lady's computer.
This picture is of me when I couldn't really use my back legs...I guess she found that pretty funny, so she snapped a picture of it. Hilarious!! I'll show her...I will have my revenge...You mark my words...

I Think It's Happening Again...

The apartment is starting to fill up with empty boxes.
And I think that probably means we are moving again.
At least I hope it's "we". You never know. I've heard those horror stories of people leaving their beloved pets behind...And I certainly would not put it past that Fat Bearded Idiot to leave me here. And if they do leave me here, you can bet your ass I ain't valiantly trekking across the country to find them. No damn way! I'll find someone else here to take care of me. I can be damn cute and furry if I need to be.
I don't know for sure that we are moving, and if we are, I don't know where to. they did move a couple of boxes the other day, so it could be like that one move in L.A. ,where we just moved across town.
Man, I hope that's it. I do NOT want top deal with another days long trek across this fine country of ours. i just don't think I could take it. Locked in a car with that Fat,Bearded, Idiot singing off-key to anything and everything on the radio. Criminy.
Shit, now all this thinking and worrying has made me tired. Ima have me a nap. I'll do some digging later and get back to you.

Un-Fucking-Believable!

WAIT until you here this bullshit that's going on with me now.

Not to be indelicate, but I was having a bit of an "issue" with my bodily functions...How should I put this...I was pooping pudding ? Does that work for you ? No ? A little too graphic, well it's out there now, so let's just move on, shall we ?
Anyhoo, I was having some diarrhea, and Tuesday night, I kinda decided to shit on the living room carpet. I'm not sure why I did this, maybe I thought it would be funny ? I really don't know. BUT, the Fat,Bearded Idiot apparently HEARD me do this(I heard him say that is sounded like I was trying to get ketchup out of an almost empty squeeze bottle), and came out, chased me around the living room, and locked me in the god-damned KITCHEN!! Can you imagine that ? ME, the F to the E to the N to the W to the I to the C to the K, locked in the mother fucking KITCHEN!?!?!? Well, that shit happened.

So, I decided that i would show him, and I took a few more shits on the floor of the kitchen.

Bad move on my part. This, apparently, made them both CONCERNED about me, and the Nice Lady did the unthinkable- SHE CALLED THE VET!!!!

Then, I was stuffed in a box, and dropped off at that sadists' office. They poked at me, so I hissed at them, so they doped me up. I don't remember much after that.

But get this, I woke up, and they had SHAVED me !!!! Can you believe that shit ? I still have my "mane" as they call it, and they left my tail and my legs- but I feel so NAKED !!

But guess what ? That's not the worst of it. Right now, I cannot stand up. My motherfucking back legs are not working at all.Well, that's not true. i can move them, I just can't stand up on them. It's weird.

I have been listening to the conversations, and this is what I have pieced together. I have bad hairballs(no, not hairy balls, wiseassses- hairballs-in my stomach), and they have caused gastritis. So, they shaved me top prevent the hairballs. I have to take all this medication, and my legs are screwy because of the sedation. I should have my legs back by the end of the day.

Can you say shitty week ?

DAMN !!!!!

P.S.- I'll have pictures later.

Ribbons !!! Ribbons !!!!

Have i ever told you that I LOVE ribbons ? well, i fucking DO !! I fucking ADORE ribbons !!! I like chasing them around, wrestling with them.
But you want to know what I like best ?
Eating them !!
I do !!
I fucking LOVE devouring the fucking things !!
So I was in HEAVEN on Saturday when the Fat Bearded Idiot, the Nice lady and the Things came back from food shopping with...BALLOONS !!!!
You know what balloons have tied to them don't you ?(Well, the very BEST balloons do anyway) that's right- RIBBONS !!!! Glorious pink ribbons.
It took all my willpower to not rush them when they entered the house. But I needed to be calm. To bide my time. the ribbons would be mine...All mine.
I kept a close eye on them while the Things bounced all over the house with the...But then, it was dinner time, and they all sat at the table. The balloons were left in the middle of the room. This was my chance. i slunk over to them, and I started to nibble. Precious ribbon.
Then, I heard a scream! the Nice Lady saw me !! Then the Fat, Bearded Idiot flew across the room and swatted me on my precious heiney !! I bolted, taking the balloon with me, but he followed, and wrestled the balloon(and the precious ribbon) away from me.
I knew I had missed my chance. I heard the Nice Lady going on about how the ribbons make me sick and blah blah puking on the carpet blah blah blah.
And now, the balloons and the precious ribbon are hidden from me. Sure, I get the occasional nibble here and there, but it's just a tease.
I guess I'll just have to wait until the next gift season.

Food

Would it kill that Fat, Bearded Idiot to make me a waffle every once in awhile ?

I really like me some waffles.

I Didn't Think They Could....

But Burger King managed to make that fucking Burger King even CREEPIER.

have you seen the new commercials ?
He's a futuristic robot now.

(shudder)

March Freaking Madness !!!

God-Damned Bracketology !!

You know, before this Tournament started, I thought I had a PHD in Bracketology...Shit, I ain't even cracked a textbook, apparently.

Who the fuck is Davidson, for the love of Mike ? And what is up with my man O.J. Mayo and USC ? First round and done ? Are you fucking kidding me ?My brackets are all shot to hell.

And where, exactly, am I supposed to come up with eleven thousand dollars ?

I'm a cat, for God's sake. Who the fuck even let's a cat bet eleven thousand dollars ?

That Fat, Bearded Idiot is NOT going to be happy with me.

It's Raining Today...

The rain always makes me sad...Oh wait, no, it's the fact that my BALLS were removed 13 years ago...THAT'S what always makes me sad. Rain doesn't really affect me at all. I don't go out anyway, so what does rain do to me ?
I do wish I could turn on the stereo, though. I would dig some Sam Cooke right now. you know, a little "Bring It on Home To Me", or "A Change Is Gonna Come " ? That would be sweeet. That's right, I spelled sweeet with THREE "E's" !! Try and stop me, bitches !!!
Or how about "Wonderful World" ? "don't know much about history..." Alas, it is not to be, as I cannot reach the stereo to crank up the tunes. And that Fat,Bearded Idiot won't buy me a damned iPod, so what the fuck is a cat supposed to do, huh ?
I'm gonna go pee in something valuable.

Something's Definitely Up Now...

They have started feeding me Fancy Feast...I don't trust it. That Fat,Bearded Idiot is up to something.

I mean, I like the Fancy Feast, and it sure tatse betterthan that hot ass IAMS they were feeding me...But the IAMS was in an AUTOFEEDER !!! I could eat whenever I wanted !!! Sure, it tasted like Hot Ass, but I could eat it all the fucking time !!!

Now, I am at that fucker's mercy ! I think they are trying to get me to lose weight. That sadist in the white coat they sent me to, I think he's involved too. I overheard hiim saying something to the Fat,Bearded Idiot about obesity but with "good musculature"...I think he meant me. If he had not mentioned the good musculature, I might have guessed he was talking about the Fat, bearded Idiot, but there at no musculature in that Jabba The hut clone. No fucking way, man.

For now, I'll enjoy the Fancy Feast when I can get it, but I am not taking my eyes off of them for a second!!

Where's That Damned "Open Window" I Have Heard So Much About ?

Isn't that what they say ? "God never closes a door without opening a window." ? Well, I see the god-damned closed door, but I ain't seen no open window !


That's right, They closed the door. You know which door...The door to the god-damned bedroom !! Aargh !!! That fat, hairy son of a bitch !!!



Now I have to sleep in the living room like some kind of dog or something. How humiliating ! I think it might be because of that time I was going to kill him. That Fat, Bearded Idiot has been different towards me ever since. I don't like it...It makes me uneasy. Just look at what happened to that skinny little bastard Arlo. Exiled. So they say. How do I know they didn't feed him to me ? I wouldn't put it past that Fat, Bearded Idiot.

You know what i would really like right now ?

To sleep on the god-damned bed !! Haven't you been paying attention ? Try and keep up, will you ? What am I, meowing to myself ?

The good news is, that fat,Bearded Idiot watched the Bourne Ultimatum over the weekend, and I took notes. I'll have him killed before the month is over. mark my words.