Hairballs 101

Fenwick: Good evening all, and welcome to Hairballs 101: Or All You've Ever Wanted To Know About Hairballs, But Were Afraid to Ask...I am your instructor, Timothy J. Fenwick, but you can all just call me Fenwick...and I am here to tell you all about hairballs...Duh, that's the name of the class...(brilliant, Fenwick,brilliant...next you can inform them that birds go tweet)...Okay, sorry about that little aside there, I have a rather vociferous inner detractor...Let's move on...Let me start by telling you why I feel uniquely qualified on the subject..I am a freakin' hairyass cat, my friends...My mother, I like to call her Babs, was a show Himalayan who apparently escaped her owners and had some alley sex with some less than show quality cats...And me and my sister and brother were the dirty little secrets...we were quickly whisked away to Adopt-A-Pet in Los Angeles, where we were all quickly adopted, me by the Fat, Bearded Idiot and the Nice Lady...But, I digress... Suffice it to say, I have got the Himalayan hair, and man, does it create some hairballs !!! And Hairballs are the subject for tonight. I will ask that you hold your questions until the end. Let's get started.
What is a hairball ? I know, it sounds like a dumb question...And it IS !!! Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha !!! Sorry about that, I like to start off with that little joke. But seriously, A hairball is a mass of hair that forms in the stomach as a result of our grooming process, and it must be expelled through vomit. I hope you have al already eaten, heh-heh. Now, there are two types of hairballs...Sympathy is one...Now, if you are going for a sympathy hairball, it is all about the performance....The size, shape, consistency is not as important...just about any hairball will do...Obviously, step one is to make sure that someone is home... Second, you have to pick a spot, I am a big fan of the carpets, there is less splash, and of course, it is harder to clean up...But I know some cats prefer a hard surface, you might get a bit of a splash, and sometimes that is what you want, it really comes down to personal choice...Then, it's all about the retching...You want to work up a good head of steam...Start with several subtle, long coughs...Then you add some quick coughs...You may have to alternate between the two until you are sure that someone has heard you...Once they hear you, you want to be ready to blow at any moment, because , especially if you have picked the carpet, they will try and move to a different surface...Either way, you want to try and avoid launching the hairball onto them(at least for the sympathy hairball), because the sympathy can quickly turn to rage...Now, once you have unloaded the hairball, it is best to try and look shocked and dismayed by this turn of events, and running away can be a good adlib, but you of course will let them catch you and lavish affection and sympathy upon you, and, if you happen to stick to just the hairball(no actual vomit or excess bile), you might just get at treat out of it as well.
Hairball number two is the Angry or Revenge Hairball, this is the hairball of choice for most cats, and it happens to be my favorite...The object of said hairball is obviously, revenge...So the method is different...The key to the Revenge Hairball is surprise...These are best deposited when no one is home, or when they are asleep...Ideally, they will step in the hairball, that is why when they are asleep is the best bet, but it can cut down on the quality of the hairball itself, as you must be quiet during production...If you are doing the sleep version, then you want to leave it between the bedroom and the bathroom, as that is the usual late night path walked blindly...Ideally a walk made in barefeet, for the true revenge effect...If you are a noisier hairballer, then you are probably best to do your business when the humans are out of your house...The best place to leave these hairballs is somewhere that will be very hard, or at least very inconvenient to clean...In a shoe....On the bed...On a chair, a couch, the bed...Or if there is someplace they are likely to walk into without turning on the lights...It's really a bit of a smorgasboard of choices for you...You really just have to follow your heart....And as for the consistency of the revenge hairball, it is probably best to add as much bile as you can, and keep the hairball as "soft" as possible...Okay, I think that ends the lesson...Any questions ?

Sweet Merciful Crap...turn that hippie shit OFF !!

Arlo: Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick...how many hours in a row can someone LISTEN to the Black Crowes ? "My angels, my devils, a thorn in my priiiiide..." Whatever, dude...and that stupid grin that the Fat,Bearded Idiot gets...good lord...and he'll stare at his toes and talk about how "Groovy toes are, man...they are sweeet !! And Arlo, man you and Fenwick are extra lucky, man, cuz you got,like twenty toes each !!" and then the laughing will start...let's just all hope and pray that he keeps his pants on this time, huh ? We don't need Mrs. Hanrahan from next door having another coronary...but I will say this much...If he starts to feed me granola again, I am slitting his throat while he sleeps...you with me Fenwick ?
Fenwick: "Bad luck blue eeeyeees, gooooooodbyeeeeeee..."
Arlo: FENWICK !!!!!
Fenwick: Huh? What ? What's the matter? You are harshing my buzz, man...
Arlo: What the hell are you talki...you got catnip there ? Let me see it.
Fenwick: Fine man, just don't bogart it..and "stop kickin' my heart around"...hee-hee-hee
Arlo: Aaaaaahhhhh...man that is nice...oh is this "Sister Luck" ? I love this song. "Worried sick, my eyes are burnin', to rest my head I'll take a life..."...Wow, toes ARE pretty cool...

Those Birds And Squirrels Are Pussies !!!

Arlo: Man, if they had any balls at all they wouldn't let this screen keep us apart...they would come right in here and face me like real animals...but they'll never do it...know why ? They're pussies...that's why. And I think you know that I am not using pussy as a euphemism for cat...they are just scared of the power that is Arlo...they know to face me is to lose...so they sit out there..on the OTHER side of the screen,chattering away, acting all tough...they ain't tough...they ain't nuthin'...
Fenwick: Well, why don't you just use those razor sharp "Daggers Of Death" on the end of your paws to cut through the screen and teach them a lesson ?
Arlo: Why don't you get some more poop stuck to your asshair, you fat bastard ?
Fenwick: That was uncalled for...
Arlo: Oh, shut up...god damned birds and squirrels are pussies...

S.O.S.

Someone has stolen my automatic feeder. At first I blamed the Fat, Bearded Idiot. But when I asked the the big-assed woman for help, she looked the other way. Turns out it is a conspiracy!!! They apparently think I'm obese but really I'm just big boned. I've tried chewing on some plastic to get them to reconsider but to no avail. I know that some might say that I lack self-discipline but self-discipline is for suckers. And by the way Arlo, you've been no help at all on this front. So won't someone come please restore my automatic feeder, pretty please! Fenwick

Meow

Meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...
are they both awake yet ? No ? Meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...
how about now ? No ? Damnit, I'm starting to annoy myself...meow..meow...meow..meow..meow...ahhh, there we go, they both
threw something at me...all is right with the world...

Oh How I Love The Automatic Feeder

Fenwick: The human who invented the automatic cat feeder deserves a shrine of some sort...what a glorious individual...i adore my automatic feeder...there is nothing better than eating at 7 a.m., taking a nap, eating at 7:45, another nap, perhaps a little staring out the window, eat again at 8:15...man it is sweet...this is clearly how cats were meant to live...In only need to rely on humans to fill it every once in awhile,instead of relying them for daily sustenance...perhaps I should build a shrine to the inventor of the automatic feeder...I'm sure I could find out who it is with a little internet sleuthing...I used to watch "Murder, She Wrote" every morning with the Fat, Bearded Idiot, so amateur sleuthing is right up my alley...and once I find out who he or she is, I could commence collecting materials for the shrine...I could use string, crumpled up paper...but I enjoy playing with those things so darn much, I would never get the shrine finished...but what could I use ?...I know...I could build it out of dust bunnies !! My unique fur creates dust bunnies of alarming size with an amazing quickness and frequency...I am truly excited...I'm gonna get started right n...oh, I gotta go get a snack...

We could kill you while you sleep... 

Damnit !!! Why Can't A Cat Get 22 Hours Of Sleep Around Here ?!?!?!?!?!

Arlo: I gotta say, I have had just about enough...why is it so frickin' hard to get 22 hours of sleep around here ? Is that soooooooooooo much to ask ? If it's not the phone ringing,or some random semi-loud noise that i must react vilently too, it's that Fat, Bearded Idiot playing that tree-hugging hippie crap Grateful Dead shit...flowers and skulls and weed...good lord, doesn't he ever get tired of listening to that incessant noodling ?....I mean, if I don't get my 22 hours of sleep, it's all I can do to get in my aerobic excercise and vocal training at 4 a.m....i don't need this crap...can't these people just be QUIET when I am trying to sleep ? Aren't they capable of deciphering my looks of disdain ?...and what's with petting me while I'm asleep ? How frickin' rude is that ?( Sorry for all the use of frickin', but lately they have been waking me up with viewings of that fine show "Scrubs" and that one doctor says "frick" alll the time. I guess it has crept into my everyday usage)...but back to my outrage...22 hours...is it really that much to ask ? I don't ask for that much else, do I ? Some food, water, the occassional lap to sit in...just PUHLEEEEEEZE let me get my 22 hours of sleep !!!!