A Couple We Forgot(Or Waking Up Humans Is F-U-N- ! Part Deux!!)

Arlo: Can you believe we forgot to mention the "roost "?
Fenwick: Oh, you mean when we just sit on them ? And somehow our weight increases exponentially, especially if we hit the Lady's bladder ?
Arlo: Duh, you know that's what I meant. Also, I used a new one last night- I licked the Fat, Bearded Idiot's hand-it was awesome, it totally wigged him out !!
Fenwick: I also like the "creep" where I just walk up and down them rather clumsily.
Arlo: That one is your best move, you have the weight for it.
Fenwick: Thank you, I'll take that as a compliment.
Arlo: As well you should. Are we forgetting anything else ?
Fenwick: I don't think so, but I'm sure we'll come up with more.

Hey, any cats out there with some fresh new wake-up ideas ? Let us hear 'em !!

Waking Up Humans Is F-U-N!!!!!!!!!!!

Arlo: Damn staright it is. Man, I don't think there is anything I enjoy more.
Fenwick: Well, I don't know...I...
Arlo: Cut the shit, man. The only reason you don't do it more is because I'm faster and more efficient at it than you.
Fenwick: Yeah, you're probably right. The Fat, Bearded Idiot is kinda mean about it sometimes.
Arlo: Yeah, but it's soooooooo totally worth it...when that vein in his fat forehead throbs, and he mutters and tries to think up new curse words to call us ? Man, that is PRICELESS !!!
Fenwick: It is kinda funny, I guess.
Arlo: Shit yeah, it is. And there are so many ways to do it. I think my favorite is stepping on his balls-serves him right for still having them-but you can't go wrong with the pointless meowing, or the running madly around the house, or even breaking something somewhere in the house-that's one of the best, because then they have to clean it up.
Fenwick: Yeah, that's why really noisily throwing up is good too, they not only wake up, but then they have to clean up puke. High five on that.
Arlo: Yeah, totally up top on the puking. Plus then they have to try and act concerned as well.It is such an awesome enterprise, waking up the humans.
Fenwick: It is. You have convinced me. What should we do tonight ?
Arlo: Here take a look at these plans I drew up this morning...

Hey, that was my spot . . .

I claimed the couch first. But then Arlo came to sit with me. I was kind enough to share my stomach as a pillow. I even gave him a few licks behind the ears. But it wasn't enough for him, he wanted it all. Sigh. So I headed off to the backroom and made myself cozy in the big comfy chair. But then I was rudely awakened by a big fat ass. Isin't she supposed to be gone during the day? Urghhhh. So now I am forced to lie in wait on the rug, hoping I can reclaim my throne. Fenwick.

I Like Sticking My Head Under The Radiator...

Arlo: There, I have said it. I like sticking my head under the radiator. Why ? Because it's warm, stupid, why else ? Jeez, some people. So, I like sticking my head under the radiator...big wup...the Fat, Bearded Idiot always stares at me like I'm nuts, well, who the hell is he ? He watches sock puppets on TV and laughs uproariously..I'll take the radiator, thank you...can I get a nap now ? Thanks.

That Old Bastard String

Fenwick: String...what is it about us and string ? Tell you what, pal...if I knew that, I would probably be a rich cat...that, I assure you, I am not...string is hypnotic, mesmerizing, it puts us almost immediately under it's spell...it's bewitching and haunting...I don't WANT to like it, i mean, sometimes I'll be minding my very own cat business, dozing, and that fat, bearded idiot will hit me in the head with a piece of string...do I want to ignore it ? Of course. Do I want to go on sleeping ? Damn skippy ! Can I do those things ? Certainly not...my pupils expand, my paws start to vibrate back and forth...and I start swatting at the string...at first, I can't believe I'm doing it again, but then it just takes over, and I am going bananas over this string...flailing around...swinging wildly, rearing up on two legs, trying to BITE the string...I mean, it's embarrassing, it really is, but it is out of my control...then the game is over, we go our separate ways...and I silently despise myself...until they hit me with another piece of string...

On Dogs....

Fenwick: I don't care for them, evil, monosyllabic beasts. Arlo ?
Arlo: I'm with you, pal. I mean, what's with all the trying to please the humans ? I mean, the cute lady that takes care of us is okay, but I'd rather get re-nuetered than make that fat, bearded idiot happy...
Fenwick: Arlo, don't say that,what if he reads this ?
Arlo: You think he can read ? ha !
Fenwick: Hee-Hee. Yeah, right. Anyhoo. Dogs...I think my first question to them would be: "What's all the hubub, bub ?" I mean, they freak out about everything !! How about a little restraint, pals ?
Arlo: Damn, right, man. Calm down a bit, pooches. They'll feed you anyway, you don't HAVE to lick their feet.
Fenwick: Arlo, do you think you try and cut down on the swears ? It's rather undignified.
Arlo: Oh yeah, and licking your balls in the living room is REEAAL dignified, my furry friend.
Fenwick: Touche.
Arlo: Dogs...you know they only hate us because we're smarter than they are.
Fenwick: Oh, totally...though they do somehow get the humans to take them outside...
Arlo: So ? big deal...who wants to go outside anyway ? Outside is stupid and crappy...
Fenwick: Yeah, yeah...it sure is...oh shit !!! I have to be in the bedroom NOW !!!!!!!!!!
Arlo: ME TOO !!!!!!!!!

Meow,maaaaaaan....

Arlo: What's that smell ? It seems to be coming from this little ruglike thing on the floor...man that smells sweet...what is that ? I better claw at it a bit...mmmm....that seems to strengthen the aroma....what's happening in my head? Things are getting weird...I really want to lick this thing...I wonder if that fat, bearded idiot will get pissed...oh, man...i don't care...I gotta lick this thing...(slurp,slurp)...oh,man that's goooooooooooood....what If i just lie down and rub on this thing?....OH...OH YEAH....that's the stuff...oh, man this almost makes me forget I don't have balls anymore...ooooooooohhhh yeeeeaaahhhh....what is this ? Man, it is some good shit, whatever it is...and apparently we're ALLOWED to have it...oh, man I'm hungry....what's that Fenwick ? You say it's "catnip"...well, consider this cat nipped, man... I am never getting off this mat man...oh wait, i need to eat...I'll be back, though, man, you can count on it... catnip...allright...allright...allright...

Why Do We Hate These Collar Bells ?

How could we not ? It's an early warning system, fer christ's sake !! I mean, if we were allowed outside, this would totally narc us out to the prey, man...as George Carlin so elegantly stated once "Fuckin' meow, man !!" The collar bell is demeaning, and must be abolished !! It will not stand !! We will take the fight all the way to...oh, we need a nap. Later...