Prison Camp...THEN It Gets Worse !!

Arlo: So, now I think the water dish might have been a setup...An attempt at lulling us into a stupor and then, BAM !! We are in the paddy wagon on our way to the prison camp...Those fuckers !! I bet they didn't put the flesh blobs in prison(oh, and by the way, THEY have started to move, and they TOUCHED me...ICK !! I tried to slash one of them, but the Fat,Bearded Idiot nearly blew a gasket, so I ran away instead.)...

Back to the wagon, the Nice Lady was our escort to the Camp, but I think she did it under duress from that Fat, Bearded Idiot...She likes us too much to do that to us. HE, on the other hand, is a regular Nurse Ratched(sp?) But she dropped us off at the Prison Camp/Clinic...

I never saw so many smocks in my whole life...They were al acting sooooper nice, oohing and aahing over us. Fenwick, that fat fuck, he was eating it up. He couldn't see that this was all going to end badly...Very badly...I tried to warn him, but he just munched away at the "food" they gave us...Idiot.

I wasn't gonna fall for that, though...I remember that the last time I had an extended stay at one of these places, I left with my nuts in a fucking JAR !!! Not this time, oh no, they weren't getting me this time...

I didn't sleep the whole time we were there...Oh sure, they thought I was asleep, but I never actually was, I was alert the WHOLE time..Watching...Waiting...Through the flea treatment(which I KNOW is in my best interest, Hell, it makes me feel better, but I just CANNOT submit to it willingly- I got some scratches in, but I avoided making a break for it{I TOTALLY could have} because they didn't have that Fat, Furry Fuck out there with me, and I can't leave a man behind, even THAT candyass)...I had finally planned our perfect escape when I heard the Nice Lady's voice beyond the walls...

I couldn't believe it...She had come back to get us !! Does that mean my wish had come true ? Was the Fat Bearded Idiot dead ? Dare I dream ? Maybe he had been eaten by a rabid mongoose, or perhaps he had fallen form a tall, tall building...Oh, it didn't matter...The fact that the Nice Lady was here to rescue us almost CERTAINLY meant that he was dead !!

I put up a token fight when they came to fetch me from the cage, but I could not wait to get in that paddy wagon...We were going home !!!

We're HOME !!! Oh, there he is...The Fat Bearded Idiot is still alive...Great...Aw, hell, at least we are HOME !!!Everything's coming up roses !!

or so we thought...Wait until you hear what happens NEXT !!

This Water Dish Is Fucking Awesome !!!

Holy Shit !!! That Fat, Bearded Idiot got something right !!!! This new water dish he bought is fucking awesome !!! Man, if only I could operate that digital camera, you would see this maginificent specimen of a water delivery system !!! Man, it is sweet !! The water circulates for constant freshness, and is automatically cooled !! Dude !!! This is water-iffic !!! Plus, it's a major pain in the ass for him to clean !! So, i can keep sticking my paw in the water and dirtying it, and yhen the Fat,Bearded Idiot has to clean the fuckin' thing !!! Life is good, mon freres, life is good !!

Four Paws...Four answers

That Fat, Bearded, Idiot has tagged me, but I can be a good sport, here goes:

Four Jobs I've Had:
1. Unwanted Alarm Clock
2. Living Room Obstacle Course Obstacle
3. Bug Hunter
4. Slugabed

Four Movies I can Watch Over And Over
1. The Cat From Outer Space
2. Garfield
3.Apocalypse Now
4. 8 1/2


Four Places I've Been On Vacation
1. Milan
2. Under the Sofa
3. The Linen Closet
4. New Zealand


Four Websites I Visit Daily
1. Shiny Things.com
2. Fox News .com
3. The Tuna Report
4. The Onion

Four Of My Favorite Foods
1. Cat Food
2. Bugs
3.Whatever The Fat, Bearded Idiot leaves unguarded
4. Lizard

Four Places I'd Rather Be:
1. Over There RIGHT NOW !!!!!
2. Asleep
3. On a Lap
4. Outside !!!!

Four Bloggers I'm Tagging:
1. Snowball 2
2. Bucky
3. Fluffy
4. Mr. Whiskers


Peace Out- Arlo

Where The FUCK Are We ?

What in the name of all that's holy has happened ? We knew something was up...all those god-damned boxes and shit...And sure enough, one day some guys came and took EVERYTHING-while we were locked in our mini prisons...Then it was into the car...back out of the car...back into the car...back out of the car...what the fuck ? Where are we ? I mean, we're not completely unhappy...It IS warmer here, the place is bigger...There's some sort of prison yard off of the living room...But it's the principle of the thing...There was no discussion, no warning, just BOOM, and we're somewhere else...Fucking Fat, Bearded Idiot...You'll get yours, you hippie fuck...

What Classic Movie Am I ?

Fenwick: " Chicago...Shit...I'm still only in Chicago..."

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

What Classic Movie Am I ?

Arlo: What can I say ? The Quiz Don't lie, my friend..."Bonasera...Bonasera...What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully ?"

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Those Things Are Still Here....

Arlo: Hello, everyone...Long time no type, huh ? It has not been easy to get to the computer lately, and I have had a lot to process. Well, A helluva lot has gone on, and I am NOT happy about it, to say the fucking LEAST !!! There are new "things" living in my house...This is not good...I thought they would be temporary, but they seem to be more entrenched each day...They seem to be mini versions of the Fat,Bearded Idiot and The Nice Lady, and all they seem to do is divert attention away from us...This is not cool, my friends....Not cool at all...They smell funny, they make A LOT of god-damned noise, and they divert attention away from us(have I mentioned that already ? Well, I think it bears repeating)..Shit man, laps are practically non-existent anymore...The Fat Bearded Idiot and the Nice Lady are ALWAYS awake, I mean, when are we supposed to be fucking CATS, my man ? And there have been all these guests, and I was like "score- some attention for the felines!" But no, they are here to see the things as well , and I get in trouble if I try to share some space. What's a fucking cat to do, man ?And I have even been trying to embrace the change, but that doesn't work either, whenever one of the mini things starts to make it's noises, I start to meow, to let everyone know, you dig ? Do they appreciate that ? Fuck no, the don't !! They just tell me to shut the fuck up !! The fucking NERVE !!!!! And on top of all that, there is SOMETHING ELSE going on as well...There are BOXES everywhere...They have even blocked up my cat tower, where the fuck do they get off ? I mean, I'm gonna have to do something crude soon like shit in a shoe or something, I swear to GOD !! I feel like this box thing has happened before, but damned if I can place it...Shit, someone's bawling again, I had better run and alert the Fat, Bearded Idiot...Sorry I have been away so long, I promise to be more prolific...I have got some issues, and someone needs to hear about them, I'll tell you what.

I Never Knock Things Over...

Fenwick: No, I don't. I don't see the point. Such wanton destruction, it's very undignified.
Arlo: Really ? Is that the reason ? I thought it was because you can't drag your gargantuan ass onto anything higher than a chair.
Fenwick: Very funny...I COULD climb higher, I CHOOSE not to, that's all.
Arlo: Riiiiiiight....Whatever...
Fenwick: Fine, don't believe me. See if I care, you hooligan.
Arlo: Yeah ? Well at least I don't have a shaved ass !!
Fenwick: You fucker !! You promised not to mention it !!
Arlo: Gotta go !!!

TO BE CONTINUED...

"I Like Knocking Shit Over"

Arlo: There, I have said it...I like knocking shit over...I thoroughly enjoy it...It makes my freakin' day !!! It doesn't matter what it is...Though I must admit, I particularly like knocking over things that shatter...Ooooh, man, that is sweet, like Christmas and New Year's all rolled up in one package...What's that ? What's the best thing I have ever knocked over ? That's easy...The lava lamp...Man, that was sweet...And you know what ? I did that one on the Fat, Bearded Idiot's birthday !!! That was awesome !! He and the Lady and their friends went to the baseball game to see his precious fucking New York Mets play the Dodgers, and I took advantage of the freedom to take out that lava lamp !! The floor was covered in oil and water and wax...Man, it was priceless !! Happy Birthday, you jackass !! Man, that was awhile ago, five years or so, I think.. I don't know that I have broken anything of value(either monetary or sentimental) since then...Hmm, I should get busy...Anyone have any ideas ?

Where have we been ?

Arlo: None of your god-damned business, that's where !! The nerve of some people, like I'm some circus performer, here for your enjoyment !! Bite my empty ball sac, that's what I have to say !!
Fenwick: Now, Arlo, that is really not necessary. People are just curious, that's all.
Arlo: You are such a kiss ass !! You know that they are not gonna feed you, right ?
Fenwick: They might...If we tell them a good story.
Arlo: Good grief, you are an idiot. I would call you a blockhead, but i think if we use both of those phrases together we would owe some money to the estate of Charles Schultz- and I don't wanna give any money to the estate of that cat-hating bastard !! I'll tear up that fucking dog house...Just let me at that fucking beagle.
Fenwick: Arlo, the vulgar language just makes you seem uneducated.
Arlo: Uneducated ? I am uneducated you fat bastard !! I was found in a god-damned dumpster !! Do you think I fell in there looking for my diploma from Yale or my Nobel Prize in Physics ? Well, I wasn't !! So, I will be as vulgar as I want, you sphincterhead !!
Fenwick: Oooh, that's a new one. I like that one. Very classy.
Arlo: Shut up and clean your ass. How do you do that, by the way ? Oh, right, you LICK IT !!
Fenwick: Touche.
Arlo: Thank you. Now, to answer the standing question. we have been planning and strategizing. Something is up with the Fat, Bearded Idiot and the Nice Lady...I haven't figured out what it is yet, but when I do, there will be retaliation- swift and painful retaliation !!

Fenwick: Do you think he's planning to kill her again ?

Arlo: Shut up.

A New Wakeup Method...

Arlo: Okay, I found a new way to wake up the Fat, Bearded, Idiot...And it is a doozy...IIt's dangerous,but COMPLETELY worth it !! Before you attempt this, make sure you have a GOOD hiding place...I mean,like spider hole good...Then, wait for the male to fall asleep(this one is pretty much for the males, it won't work quite the same on a female)...I call it...THE BALL STOMP...I waited for the Fat, Bearded, Idiot to doze off on the couch, then I climbed up on top of the couch...and CANNONBAAAAAALLLLL....Dropped right onto the family jewels, then bounced onto the floor and took off...Man, it was sweeeet...I have never heard the sounds that jackass made before...I thoroughly enjoyed it...But I was pretty lucky that he didn't find me...So feel free to use it, my friends...but be careful...And have your escape route well thought out and practiced.

She's Back....

Fenwick: Arlo, who is that sitting on the couch ?
Arlo: Shut up.
Fenwick: What's that ? I didn't hear you. She looks familiar though.
Arlo: Just shut up already. Fine, I guess he didn't kill her...but he's still up to something. I know it. I can feel it in my tail. There's something baaad in that closet...And it's all his fault. I don't trust him. I still think I'll kill him in his sleep.

"The Case Of The Fat,Bearded Idiot..."

Arlo: He's gonna crack soon. Then, we'll find out where he hid the body.
Fenwick: He didn't kill her. He's been talking to her on the phone, you idiot.
Arlo: How do you know ? That could have been Comcast that called. I wasn't listening in, were you ?
Fenwick: Well, no but...
Arlo: But NOTHING !!! He killed her, and one more night of stepping on his head and eerily staring at him will do him in. You can see it in his eyes. He knows that we know...And it's tearing him apart.
Fenwick: What if he kills us ?
Arlo: Huh ?
Fenwick: Well, if he knows that we know, what if he decides to kill us ? Wouldn't that take care of it ?
Arlo: Holy shit. You maybe right. Let me think...
Fenwick: It's a predicament, that's for sure.
Arlo: I've got it !!
Fenwick: What ?
Arlo: Let's kill him.
Fenwick: What ?
Arlo: Tonight, in his sleep. We'll sit on his head. Smother him.It'll be easy.
Fenwick: Dude, you are nuts.
Arlo: No, it's the only way. We'll avenge her death, AND save ourselves.
Fenwick: Then who'll feed us ?
Arlo: After he's dead, we'll turn on the stereo real loud, someone will call the cops, and we'll be saved.
Fenwick: You know, it's kinda crazy, but it just might work...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Where Is She ?

Arlo: Dude, this is not cool. Where is she ?
Fenwick: Now, calm down, Arlo.I'm sure everything's fine.
Arlo: Everything's fine ? Everything's fine ? She's GONE, MAN !!!!!! We have been stuck with that Fat,Bearded, Idiot for what feels like forever.
Fenwick: He does make time slow down, doesn't he ?
Arlo: Criminy, every second is like an hour, and NOT in a good way. I think he killed her.
Fenwick: What ? Are you nuts ?
Arlo: What else could have happened ?
Fenwick: Maybe she dumped his ugly ass.
Arlo: But then wouldn't she take us ?
Fenwick: Maybe she's trying to punish him.
Arlo: No, he killed her. I've never trusted him. That's why I never let him sleep.
Fenwick: You're crazy, man. He didn't kill her. He's too big a wuss. He's scared of spiders for christ's sake.
Arlo: well, you're scared of the vacuum cleaner.
Fenwick: Hey, that fuckin' thing is SCARY !! Plus, you're scared of it too, you dick.
Arlo: Shut up. Anyway, what do you think he did with the body ?
Fenwick: He didn't do anything with it.
Arlo: You're right, he's a lazy one. She's probably in the closet. Yeah !! That's why he never wants us in the closet !!
Fenwick: She never wants us in the closet either.
Arlo: Right. But I still think she might be in the closet. I have an idea...Let's just sit and stare at him with our "dead eyes" look, and maybe he'll slip up and show us where he's hiding the body.
Fenwick: Or at the very least, maybe he'll feed us a bit earlier.
Arlo: Jesus, is that all you think about ? We've got Ted Bundy in here, and you want him to feed us ?
Fenwick: Nah, he's no Ted Bundy, Ted Bundy was charming and attractive...He's more John Wayne Gacy or Henry Lee Lucas with a dash of Manson(the hair anyway).
Arlo: Fine. Whoever ! Anyway, we need to get to bottom of this. This ain't over. We were paying attention while his unemployed ass was watching all those "Murder, She Wrote" episodes. We learned a thing or two about amateur sleuthing. We will uncover the truth in the case of "The Fat, Bearded Idiot"

To Be Continued...

The Sky Is Falling !!!!!!!!

What the hell was that ? It sounded like a bowling ball being dropped on another bowling ball...is it the Rapture ? Is our time at hand ?...I wonder how big the automatic feeder in heaven is...man, it must be BIG...or what if I'm going to h-e- double hockey sticks ? I bet there's no automatic feeder down there...or it's full of dog food or something...and I bet no one down there ever leaves cookies unattended like the Fat, Bearded Idiot does...Oh crap...I better run around the house at top speeds...then I'll try and stop on the rug in front of that delicate vase...That didn't wake anyone up...I'll start meowing...meow...meow..meow...meow...anyone...anyone...Bueller
...Bueller...meow...meow

Hairballs 101

Fenwick: Good evening all, and welcome to Hairballs 101: Or All You've Ever Wanted To Know About Hairballs, But Were Afraid to Ask...I am your instructor, Timothy J. Fenwick, but you can all just call me Fenwick...and I am here to tell you all about hairballs...Duh, that's the name of the class...(brilliant, Fenwick,brilliant...next you can inform them that birds go tweet)...Okay, sorry about that little aside there, I have a rather vociferous inner detractor...Let's move on...Let me start by telling you why I feel uniquely qualified on the subject..I am a freakin' hairyass cat, my friends...My mother, I like to call her Babs, was a show Himalayan who apparently escaped her owners and had some alley sex with some less than show quality cats...And me and my sister and brother were the dirty little secrets...we were quickly whisked away to Adopt-A-Pet in Los Angeles, where we were all quickly adopted, me by the Fat, Bearded Idiot and the Nice Lady...But, I digress... Suffice it to say, I have got the Himalayan hair, and man, does it create some hairballs !!! And Hairballs are the subject for tonight. I will ask that you hold your questions until the end. Let's get started.
What is a hairball ? I know, it sounds like a dumb question...And it IS !!! Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha !!! Sorry about that, I like to start off with that little joke. But seriously, A hairball is a mass of hair that forms in the stomach as a result of our grooming process, and it must be expelled through vomit. I hope you have al already eaten, heh-heh. Now, there are two types of hairballs...Sympathy is one...Now, if you are going for a sympathy hairball, it is all about the performance....The size, shape, consistency is not as important...just about any hairball will do...Obviously, step one is to make sure that someone is home... Second, you have to pick a spot, I am a big fan of the carpets, there is less splash, and of course, it is harder to clean up...But I know some cats prefer a hard surface, you might get a bit of a splash, and sometimes that is what you want, it really comes down to personal choice...Then, it's all about the retching...You want to work up a good head of steam...Start with several subtle, long coughs...Then you add some quick coughs...You may have to alternate between the two until you are sure that someone has heard you...Once they hear you, you want to be ready to blow at any moment, because , especially if you have picked the carpet, they will try and move to a different surface...Either way, you want to try and avoid launching the hairball onto them(at least for the sympathy hairball), because the sympathy can quickly turn to rage...Now, once you have unloaded the hairball, it is best to try and look shocked and dismayed by this turn of events, and running away can be a good adlib, but you of course will let them catch you and lavish affection and sympathy upon you, and, if you happen to stick to just the hairball(no actual vomit or excess bile), you might just get at treat out of it as well.
Hairball number two is the Angry or Revenge Hairball, this is the hairball of choice for most cats, and it happens to be my favorite...The object of said hairball is obviously, revenge...So the method is different...The key to the Revenge Hairball is surprise...These are best deposited when no one is home, or when they are asleep...Ideally, they will step in the hairball, that is why when they are asleep is the best bet, but it can cut down on the quality of the hairball itself, as you must be quiet during production...If you are doing the sleep version, then you want to leave it between the bedroom and the bathroom, as that is the usual late night path walked blindly...Ideally a walk made in barefeet, for the true revenge effect...If you are a noisier hairballer, then you are probably best to do your business when the humans are out of your house...The best place to leave these hairballs is somewhere that will be very hard, or at least very inconvenient to clean...In a shoe....On the bed...On a chair, a couch, the bed...Or if there is someplace they are likely to walk into without turning on the lights...It's really a bit of a smorgasboard of choices for you...You really just have to follow your heart....And as for the consistency of the revenge hairball, it is probably best to add as much bile as you can, and keep the hairball as "soft" as possible...Okay, I think that ends the lesson...Any questions ?

Sweet Merciful Crap...turn that hippie shit OFF !!

Arlo: Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick...how many hours in a row can someone LISTEN to the Black Crowes ? "My angels, my devils, a thorn in my priiiiide..." Whatever, dude...and that stupid grin that the Fat,Bearded Idiot gets...good lord...and he'll stare at his toes and talk about how "Groovy toes are, man...they are sweeet !! And Arlo, man you and Fenwick are extra lucky, man, cuz you got,like twenty toes each !!" and then the laughing will start...let's just all hope and pray that he keeps his pants on this time, huh ? We don't need Mrs. Hanrahan from next door having another coronary...but I will say this much...If he starts to feed me granola again, I am slitting his throat while he sleeps...you with me Fenwick ?
Fenwick: "Bad luck blue eeeyeees, gooooooodbyeeeeeee..."
Arlo: FENWICK !!!!!
Fenwick: Huh? What ? What's the matter? You are harshing my buzz, man...
Arlo: What the hell are you talki...you got catnip there ? Let me see it.
Fenwick: Fine man, just don't bogart it..and "stop kickin' my heart around"...hee-hee-hee
Arlo: Aaaaaahhhhh...man that is nice...oh is this "Sister Luck" ? I love this song. "Worried sick, my eyes are burnin', to rest my head I'll take a life..."...Wow, toes ARE pretty cool...

Those Birds And Squirrels Are Pussies !!!

Arlo: Man, if they had any balls at all they wouldn't let this screen keep us apart...they would come right in here and face me like real animals...but they'll never do it...know why ? They're pussies...that's why. And I think you know that I am not using pussy as a euphemism for cat...they are just scared of the power that is Arlo...they know to face me is to lose...so they sit out there..on the OTHER side of the screen,chattering away, acting all tough...they ain't tough...they ain't nuthin'...
Fenwick: Well, why don't you just use those razor sharp "Daggers Of Death" on the end of your paws to cut through the screen and teach them a lesson ?
Arlo: Why don't you get some more poop stuck to your asshair, you fat bastard ?
Fenwick: That was uncalled for...
Arlo: Oh, shut up...god damned birds and squirrels are pussies...

S.O.S.

Someone has stolen my automatic feeder. At first I blamed the Fat, Bearded Idiot. But when I asked the the big-assed woman for help, she looked the other way. Turns out it is a conspiracy!!! They apparently think I'm obese but really I'm just big boned. I've tried chewing on some plastic to get them to reconsider but to no avail. I know that some might say that I lack self-discipline but self-discipline is for suckers. And by the way Arlo, you've been no help at all on this front. So won't someone come please restore my automatic feeder, pretty please! Fenwick

Meow

Meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...
are they both awake yet ? No ? Meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...meow...
how about now ? No ? Damnit, I'm starting to annoy myself...meow..meow...meow..meow..meow...ahhh, there we go, they both
threw something at me...all is right with the world...